Cement Girl

You know walkabout did one thing for me: it made me appreciate things that i take for granted, or it gave me a new outlook on a few things. I missed the simple things while we gone- yes the regular toilet and a frequent shower.. but real connections and relationships with people. I had it on the trip, and i have it with my friends at school and i realized how precious that is. I missed my music SO much. I missed being able to pop in a familiar cd. I missed my car. I got in my car yesterday and realized how much i freakin' love driving my car. It is SO comfortable- it is one place in the world that is all mine... it is MY comfort zone and it is all me. all MOI.

Anyway... I guess through a lot of that, and my summer i've realized how.. frivolous it is to post on these message boards i go to. I go to them because they're comfortable and they're something to do when I'm bored, but I'm finding more and more that I just don't belong on there. I just wish i could meet people like the people on there in real life. and sometimes i wish it would just go away because it's so .. trivial.

I've realized lately that as much as i want to box myself into a certain description, i can't. I love music... i love going to concerts, i love discovering things.. but i, in no way, fit into the normal stereotype of an indie music lover. I love football, old cars, and watching the X games, i hate dressing up, but i'm not completely a tomboy. I love making a crochet rug, i love decorating, but I'm not Martha Stewart. I love reading books, i love ideas and thoughts, and i love asking questions... but i'm no seth studer.

and i love being this complicated.

i've realized how many high and lofty dreams i have.. for my life. and i like it that way.




those are deep thoughts today.

i came home yesterday from school because my dorm is boring and quiet with nobody there, and i hate sleeping there at night by myself on a hall, so i came home. we had a PA dinner at Andy's house which was fun, and then i came home. This morning i woke up and started working on my car. Sanding a lot of it... which was fun. It wasn't exactly FUN, but it was interesting and it gave me time to think. I decided i like the sound of soundpaper on car paint. I need to take pictures of the car while it's still looking like crap.

then my mom and i went shopping. We got caught up at Old Navy buying outfits for Hannah. We went to Target where I got a new pair of jeans, and my mom bought me a white 3/4 sleeve shirt and a sweater vest that is SO 1930's. I look hot and collegiate in it.. mm hmm. my mom says it reminds her of what my grandma wore in the 30s in high school, so i love it.

I worked on my rug also, this afternoon.. i need to get it done and down in my room. Just taking a break from that. I watched mine and Natalie's video from this last school year. Good times. I laughed so hard at putting our feet on the wall. we're really stupid/random/crazy.

"I am not a pretty girl..."-Ani Difranco

you know what is good? (i'm bored this afternoon, bear with me).

Talking to Nick. Yes. Even though I never e-mail him (cause my life is boring) and even though we hardly ever talk, it's good to have one of those talks once in a while. To get things out and just have a normal conversation with someone. somehow we pull off these conversations that are like actually REAL LIFE conversations through IM. telling each other to "shut up" and "screw you", even. It's quite fun. Plus i feel comfortable with Nick, and we can give each other crap about whatever. I'm glad we talked last night.

I don't know what it's going to be like when he comes to visit in October, but man i love that kid.. even though he IS weird and 2 freakin' years younger than me.

Nick! we should do something monumental when you come! (yes i just said monumental). like a tattoo! haha. you can get one and I'll just watch.

orrrr... piercing or something. or we'll just be stupid together. and we'll drive to the beach. and i want to show you where i lived last summer, and we'll visit the deli. and we could go to saturday market (on sunday) and we could go to multnomah falls and i'm excited.

i hate to have the lay the smack down and tell it to the kid straight. but your life is not going to end because you don't have a significant other. Look at me! I'm alive and kicking and I've got things to do with my life.

Trust me, it's hard when all i really want is a man and a family.. .that's what i want with my life... so it's hard to hand that over to God and tell Him He can do with it what He wants.

But that's what I have to do. Because I have no control over it, and I better hand it over to someone who does.

So no, kid, your life is not going to end. If you're single your whole life you better start thinking of things to do with your life rather than wallowing around in self-pity because you don't have a girl.

'cause you know... i'm not going to wallow around in self pity because i don't have a girl.

haha.


"you should be living"- twothirtyeight. (do they use that in a song? I dunno. but it's the title to one of their cds)

crazy sleeping patterns.

tuesday night i went to bed around midnight. friends were over, i was checking my e-mail, i just didn't get to bed until about midnight. i woke up before my alarm clock went off at 7:45. In fact, i think i woke up around 6:45 or 7 to get ready, was confused about the time, etc. i wasn't sleepy when i woke up.

then last night i went to bed at about 10:45, and slept straight through until my alarm clock went off at 7:45 and even went back to sleep for 15 minutes, and i had no desire to get out of bed. I don't know what that crap is about.

yesterday we worked hard, and that might have been it.

we had to go through the dorms and find the gross old mattresses (and let me tell you ... there are/were some nasty ones), and exchange those out with brand new mattresses. So we were all lugging around mattresses, which is hard work! Then we put together some furniture in an apartment for the sophomores, lugged some furniture around, etc.

After that was done Courtney, Andy and I went and picked up her pictures at the store and did a little shopping, and then even headed over to Target. We were shopping for about two hours, and it was pretty fun. Courtney and Andy and I were all on "Team Steve" on walkabout... so we bonded or whatever.

then i came back here, called my dad and asked my parents to take me to dinner cause we don't get dinner (stupid) in the cafeteria, just lunch. We went to a little new mexican place and had very yummy food. I just found a new place to eat! real mexican food, and not far from the school.

then i came back here and... did nothing. was on the computer all night. Read my new Time magazine. grand old time.

Today i decided to shave my legs even though I have a sunburn on my legs and it's peeling. I have the funniest tan line- it's just tan from right about my knees to a really bad sock line. haha. it's great. i love that my legs never tan usually and then on walkabout i get a nasty nasty tan line.

I guess that is all. we have more work to do today- move 22 mattresses over to the apartments, and paint the outside doors of the dorms. then we're done! yip yip. I wish I had something profound to say. But i don't.

"I just need a little more evidence
of your survival"-My Hotel Year

How much do I love Mates of State right now?

A whole freakin' lot. i think they are my band of choice this summer. they have a new cd coming out in September.

And this morning i've been listening to this new mp3 over and over over over over. And i'm incredibly excited that they are coming to portland in October (with I am World Trade Center, Tai!!), and the Thermals are opening, who i've heard about.

anyway. I'm sitting here this morning, and I'm dancing around to this new song. I hope that link works. Help yourself to a portion of Mates of State. Dance in your chair, too.

"ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
this is the blood that we're made of"

kimbelina just did this on her blog and i thought i'd follow suit. i'm extremely bored today.

dear natalie,
you chose me as your hero? you make me want to cry! i love you and miss you and i want to space out with you. please come hither soon. i haven't gotten my ear pierced yet cause it got burned on walkabout and it hurts, maybe this weekend and you could come with me? hmm...

dear april,
i love you. i'm glad your kiddie music thing went well. My heart swelled when you said you played switchfoot for the kids. Thank you for your notes, they helped get me through the week.

dear tai,
when we did our five mile run on walkabout everyone put names on their backs, people they were running for. it was all you and april. on my back. runnnnnniiinnnnggggg.

dear courtney,
will you ever read this? probably not. but thank you for your support and encouragement this week. our talks meant a lot and i'm glad i got to spoon with you and i don't mind when you talk about jeff. I'm glad you're going to be a Scott :)

dear mom,
thank you for believing in me and for the balloons

dear hannah marie,
I MISS YOU!! I want a kiss and a smile. I wish i could take you away from that nasty painting and play with you.

dear brandtson,
you scare me. you intimidate me. but i love your music. and "ain't no trip to cleveland" has become my theme song for this year. i'm looking forward to new beginnings, reveling in all that i've worked so hard for. thanks for your music that kept me company on walkabout.

dear switchfoot,
i love you with an undying love and sometimes it scares me how much so. thank you for writing songs that i sung on my solo. thank you for giving me things to think about. thank you for writing music that i love, and for being genuine people who care about changing their world for Christ. and thank you for gracing so much of my dorm room walls. and you're welcome for me giving you a ton of my money.

And so it's back to the cold concrete world.

where women sell their bodies to stay alive. where money can buy happiness and contentment. where people argue over music rather than enjoy what they like. where breadth matters more than depth.

and the leafblowers and sounds of cars are replacing the streams and buzzing of insects. and appearance and social rightness take precedence over genuine conversation and connection.

I'm back. I'm alive.

I guess what happened this week can't really be related to a large number of people through one blog post. It may not even be able to be translated through online communication, but if you want to hear about it, you can message me.

On the bus ride on the way back Courtney said to me "You can't even begin to tell this experience to someone who hasn't been on it".

And i know exactly what she means.

I haven't bitten my nails in a week because they were so dirty that I couldn't bring myself to.

On my Solo i cut myself.

My forehead, right side of face, and nose are all peeling and flaking from sunburn.

I have duct tape residue on the back of my right ankle.