Cement Girl

Dangit. Another one of those moments. THEY JUST KEEP HAPPENING.

"and You're raising the dead in me". He is. I feel like i'm becoming something new, something better, something braver and more secure in myself. I don't know where these things are coming from. Well, I do, from Him, but it still amazes me, and I can't believe my attitudes have changed so much just in the last few months. Just from Christmas break! I can't believe it. I look at who I was, just then, and compare to who I am today, and the change is so ... obvious. At least to me, and the thoughts i had then versus the thoughts I had then.

"oh, oh I am the second man now". So i was driving back from someone's house, listening to Switchfoot's song "24" and .. it just hit me, about all this, and the song just fits, and then i had another one of those moments.

"I wanna see miracles
to see the world change
i wrestled the angel
for more than a name
for more than a feeling
for more than a cause
singing Spirit take me
up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me"-Switchfoot

The chapel speaker today was incredible. It was so, so good, and i sat there in my little pew soaking it ALL in. Everything he said had something to do with my life, and what i've been constantly examining right now: Grace vs. works. Something that seems so obvious on the outside of the issue, but inside, i find myself questioning everything I've ever believed.

I am becoming more aware that God is all there is. I have been emotional lately about it. The songs we sang last night at church. My own little worship experience in my car on the way back to the dorm. The songs we sang at chapel today, the message today. I sat down to read "Disappointment with God" today for the first time, and was really just overwhelmed with the thought that "THIS is what it's about. Discovering this. What have I been wasting my life doing? what am I wasting my life doing today?" I want to be whole. I want to be real. I want to be on top of things. I want to understand.

Still more awesome than I know

I'm feeling incredibly cynical this morning. this could be... not good.

I still don't understand people.

Conversation today
girl a: Another time.. another place
me: hey! that's a sandi patti song!
[everyone laughs]
girl b: ugh I don't like her. sandi patti had an affair
me: no she didn't [i do believe she was actually abused by her husband, which is why she got a divorce]
girl b: yeah she did.... [she moves to another part of the room] I don't like Amy Grant either.
me: i know you don't

WHY CAN"T PEOPLE FORGIVE and not talk smack about people they DON'T KNOW!?!? it's ridiculous. Really. Have you lusted lately? Lied? Gossipped? Thought bad thoughts about people? Get over yourself. Stop looking at other peoples' faults. And please- dont' talk about people you do'nt know, situations which you were far removed from, and had nothing to do with. Stories get twisted. Even if it actually DID happen, what business is it of your's to bring it up years later, looking down on that person? I'm sure by now God has forgiven her and moved on- why can't you?

I've been telling myself all day to get over here and writing something... I feel like i have a lot to write, but... now i'm trying to think what to write about.

I got the PA position, like i already said. I'm extremely excited, but i'm also scared! eek. They picked me for some reason, and now i've gotta do a good job. I always wanted to think that they wouldn't pick me, because I'm not extremely extroverted, and I'm not in some special "in" group, and i don't fit into the leadership stereotype. I wanted to doubt the residential life staff and be angry at them when they did'nt pick me. That post from the 6th is me being down because I was already thinking about them not picking me, and what i would tell myself (you're not good enough, you don't fit in) and how i would retaliate (not apply for leadership again). Funny how things work out. I'm so... stupid. I gotta stop being stupid. In short- I wanted to doubt the residential life department but they really showed me!

What if your heels fell off?

So this weekend was good. Very good. It was just the right amount of mix of everything and just good. Friday I got my letter about being a PA- had a little freak out session in my car, calling people. Then i had a nanny job, and did that all afternoon. Friday night I took Natalie out to the Taco House cause dangit, I just got a PA position and i'm not eating in the cafeteria. Then we went to safeway where we got stalked by a strange guy, and talked about our heels falling off.

Saturday I woke up late, and doodled around, and did homework. I went back to our house and videotaped the walls of my room which I so carefully painted 3 years ago, with scripture and a SF lyric. The house was almost completely empty, and I was by myself. It was actually really creepy and dreary and weird because I was opening drawers and cupboards to see if everything was REALLY gone. then i left. That was just odd. And now i'll never go back cause we're completely out of the house.

Saturday I did a lot of homework and then I took April to see a Carolines concert. Good stuff, good stuff. I convered Aaron Trueb (the lead singer) to the ways of Switchfoot (or at least that's what he told me at the concert... it was from my signatures in e-mails). Reminder to the masses: do not talk the entire show. Please. if you're not going to watch the band- move to the back.

Sunday was church stuff. Good stuff. Good worship. loved it. I spent the afternoon with my family. Rinda's so huge and ready to burst! she's due on thursday.

i did homework last night. Babysat today. Went to classes. did some more homework. talked to a LOT of people on the computer. and now i'm here. I got some good stuff in the mail today! The new Brandtson cd, a cd demo from someone i met online, and a letter from henrie. I guess that's about it.

I really wish that honesty could be taken in the best way. I'm not going to lie about it. Why can't we be friends?

"Halfway down
You always take the long way down"-Brandtson