Cement Girl

Man. I put in Coldplay's "Rush of Blood to the Head"... I forgot what an impact this had on me. Or maybe it's just the memories it brings back. I bought it last December or January- Christmas break time. Or at least that was when I got into it. I would sit in my room at the old house and figure out the bass parts to the songs (so incredibly easy.. it's really simple music). Anyway- a couple of the songs bring back some emotional stuff. It's amazing that a song can do that to you.

"Tell me your secrets
ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start"

"And the truth is
I miss you so
And I'm tired"

GOd is good, and that was just made more evident to me today.

I'm pretty low on cash. I had a job today, and a job tomorrow but both are short jobs, so i wouldn't be earning as much as I'd like. I had a horrible time wrestling with whether or not to put my availability in for a night job on Tuesday because:

1) It's the middle of the school week, and homework always bears down on me.
2) If i give them that availability they can call me tuesday afternoon and tell me they have a job for me, and probably by then i've put my homework for wednesday off, blah blah blah.. yeah.

But i went and ahead and put my availability on anyways. I said 6pm to whatever... And they called me back today and said they have a job for me...for three kids (which means a dollar more an hour!) and only for three hours... but the rules are that she has to pay me for four! so I'm gonna get paid at least 44 dollars for three hours of watching children. This is very, very good... and extra money I needed. I feel somewhat safe now, and so I'm pretty happy.

it's amusing to see how much our culture has saturated us with cliches and fake needs. I see it in myself, and i see it in others.

Mabe I think that while i sit here and listen to girls be loud on my hall... even though it's 11:30, and quiet hours start at ten, and I have no desire, or need, or good will to go out and tell them to shut up for the fortieth time. They won't care, and they'll just do it again tomorrow. I had no idea this was going to be my biggest problem while being a PA. Freakin' quiet hours?? are you people five years old?

I'm tired. emotionally exhausted. I'm caught in the middle of something I want nothing to do with. I have a couple of emotionally/psychologically draining relationships right now. I am incredibly poor and I can't stop spending my money. I don't have anyone to talk to.

And I don't even understand why I have to complain about things. I'm selfish and vain to think these things matter.

I am so, so lost.

i'm reeling, reeling, reeling.

i want to throw punches in the name of the One who loves. Or something.

Why is it all okay? postmodernism has screwed us all over.

Why am I suddenly the type of person who is wrong, judgmental and sinful?

And i reel.

Your little lecture didn't make me want to open my mind. It made me mad at everyone.

RARRRR.

I'm so confused. I hate boys.

What happens when you're not sure you want it anymore? What happens when you don't want to be surrounded by your peers, and you don't want to be surrounded by your family and you don't even know what you want?

What happens when you think you're bogged down with too many questions and not enough answers, although the answers never really give you what you want anyway. And what happens when you feel like you're clawing you're way to the top, into the Lap, but really it feels like you're just stuck here, in limbo, waiting.

I wish I could find out what I was going to do with my life. I wish I could take all the emotion and longing and passion and filter it into something. At the very least my schoolwork. At the very most some art.

At the most something that glorifies Him. It has been all that is on my mind lately. What happens when I think about it all so much that it distracts from homework and family and friends? Is that good or bad?

I'm tired. and I want to take a long, long vacation. And I can't. I have to bear down and deal. I want more than this.