Cement Girl

[ahem]

did you ever notice just how beautiful everyone is?

If you stop being comparitive, and just look at someone's face, just right at their face.. everyone's beautiful.

Do it. Look at someone and see them for who they are.

hooray i got the p.a. position :)

Who am I? Why do I base the idea of myself on what others think of me? Or what I'm expected to be and/or do?

When do i start living life for myself, instead of trying to be buddies with everyone, dependent on non existant relationships?

The self-loathing has already begun, for the PA position I don't believe I'll be getting. I don't know what to do, cause I already want to think I didn't get it, but there's some slight glimmer of hope.

I'm so confused. This is the same exact feeling I had right before we got to Cornerstone last year.

It's florida rock and roll night.

you should be living.

I've got too much Switchfoot on the brain, that's for sure. April came in last night and said "okay guess who i saw at dinner tonight" (she was out with her family) and i said "Jon Foreman!" haha. pretty funny. preeetttyy funny.

I just realized that my blog is completely boring and too serious. I tried to think of ways to make it fun, and exciting, but i sucked at that. I guess i could tell funny little quips of things (is quips the right word?) but. i can't even think of funny conversations i've had.

Last night after our hall meeting we watced "Where the Wild Things Are" on video tape. oh how i love that book. I must start a "good book" collection for Hannah. eek. There is only one week and a half day left until Rinda is due. MWAAAAH. I'm gonna go crazy. I was looking at little Jarvis Danger's pictures and just thinking "I want our's to come." (that is said in a Tai voice.)

It really bugs me when people use the Us vs. them thing when it is clearly not Us vs. Them. Back up off of that.

HAAAAAAAAA. Last semester my secret sister gave me a small rubber chicken she found at Wal-Mart. Everyone likes to handle him and touch him and give him goiters (cause if you squeeze him a certain way, he gets goiters). April always likes to fondle him when she's in my room. The other night she was in here doing funny things with him. She sat in my desk chair and said "my arm hurts" and proceeded to rub the chicken on her elbow. WHAT? it's like the guy in Big Fat Greek Wedding!! Except with a chicken instead of windex. then she started hitting natalie with the chicken. Natalie didn't like that.

So April was in here last night for a little bit. JUST NOW (although i've been sitting at my computer a lot today) i look up towards my desk lamp and HANGING FROM MY DESK LAMP is my rubber chicken. April has wrapped a rubberband around it's waist and hung it from the clip that holds it onto my shelf. She tried to hang my chicken. unbelievable.

There is nothing happening right now. Pretty soon I will get up out of this chair, go mail a letter that I am sending to some random guy I met on the Switchfoot board, which inside it has a letter to Denison marrs and he's going to give it to DM on the 15th I hope cause it's very important, and I will go meet Natalie for lunch. Then i shall go talk to some professors. Then I shall come back here and aw and oo over natalie's little cousins she is babysitting for the afternoon.

Which means i need to clean up before i head out. HEAD OUT. bye.

"BOMBS OVER BROADWAY"-Squad

i think i need to write a book.

I'm just beginning to come to grips with how awkward and weird this internet thing is. Staring at a "page" or "screen" with weird information on it. Communicating with other people through simple words. It's beginning to freak me out.

I know why i started being on the internet in the first place. I was a lonely ninth grader and the chatroom i was involved with was a safe community of believers. That fell apart a while later and now i just post around randomly on message boards, and have made some friends through that. Mostly, though, I think the internet is some sort of released for my problem with attention. I'm just beginning to realize how much of an attention problem I have. I hate being bored. I have to be doing something, and it has to be engaging my mind or else it's worthless. This is why I'm most comfortable when i have two internet explorers open, using both of them, and about three IM conversations going on. That is... ideal. Which is crazy.

Anyhow- so i'm reading someone else's blog... and he's saying nice things about me. I know people online who will say i'm a great person, or blah blah blah, whatever... And i'm just thinking about this. Then i envision myself getting up, putting on my coat and going back out into the "real world" where people don't know me. How depressing. It's this imaginary world i like getting caught up in, cause it makes me feel good, and validated, and i talk to people who actually know who I am as a person, and people who share a lot of the same interests as me. But then eventually I have to go back into Meghan-mode where i leave this comfortable dorm room and I am just "meghan scott" to everyone on this campus. Someone who doesn't talk out a whole lot, someone who is just different. That bugs me.

Mostly this probably bugs me because I found out last night that the current PAs kinda just gave their recommendations for PAs... just as common knowledge, who they thought would be good. Well- that kinda stinks for me because I only had two current PAs in my interview, and they have both been MY PAs, so they already know me. Nobody else got to hear what i said, nobody else got to know me. This is where the system is screwed. Because I don't know the other PAs- and they didn't get to hear my interview, obviously they're not going to pick me. What a mess. I just want people to know who I am.

"My fears have worn me out"-sf

God is so weird (no offense, God) ... but c'mon. I have been SO against going on walkabout. I hated the idea of it, and didn't even want to think about it. Aghgh it scared me.

So today on the way back from babysitting I'm thinking "wow... Friday we find out if we got the PA position or not... but that's okay cause it's whatever God wants.. it's up to Him..." but then I thought "but if i don't get to be a PA, i don't get to go on walkabout" ...


AHHHHH. the world is ending.

Someone asked on the Switchfoot board (in reference to the song):
"This is your life.. are you who you want to be?"

and I responded:

Yeah, that is a hard question.
I'd say that I've finally gotten to the point where I can accept and like myself (it's been a long journey!), I genuinely like a lot of who I am, and like the person before me, I wouldn't change a lot of my decisions and experiences.

But still i'm wondering how I can make myself a better person. Am I kind enough to my roomate (not even), and I compassionate enough? (not even close), do I have a servant attitude? (only a few times, and I don't even know if that's sincere), do I take in each day like it's my last? (now there's something to work on!)

My PA (RA) has a cool framed thing in her room, and it's her "mission statement". It says "i'm courtney brown. I will listen. I will be compassionate" and I'm getting ready to make myself one.... i want to do it so bad.

And at the end i want it to say "I will believe in myself and in the wondrous ways God can shape and mold my life. I will dare to move" or something to that affect.

If we get too complacent- watch out! I really really challenge you guys to examine yourself, your beliefs, and who you are. I'm really at the stage of doing that now, and i'm finding out more about me than I ever thought I could even BE! It's amazing.

"You've washed your hands clean of this"

Hmm. it was a busy weekend again. They never stooooop. Well, okay sometimes they do. Friday was a just poop-around day, I did .. pretty much nothing besides go see someone play guitar at a coffeeshop at night. Went to bed kinda late (well late for when i needed to get up in the morning). I got up in the morning at 8:30 to get ready to go help my parents move. Did a little of that, but mostly stood/sat around and wasn't much help. They moved into this tiny apartment, and it's pretty funny to watch them try to fit their stuff in there. Most of it is actually in the garage in boxes. There were ants in the kitchen. blech.

I had a nanny job on Saturday night which was good (oh, that reminds me to call the placement agency). The two boys were five and six, and a lot of fun. we hiked up to the park, and to the playground, and then were just altogether great, and i had no problems with them. The parents came home early and the mom paid me more than she should've, so yipee!

Church today, had lunch at some other peoples' house. I hung around the apt and did laundry. I tried to read some, but i was so stinkin' tired because last night I didn't get much sleep, i just slept really badly. So i kept falling asleep while i was reading my book, and i think i did sleep for about 45 minutes in my parents' big leather chair. But i just could not concentrate on my book ALL afternoon. It was pretty bad. Then i shook myself out of it to go to dinner, and I had a headache, and I could NOT wake up, and i felt sick to my stomach. This is why I don't take naps.

I don't have a whole lot else to say. I'm getting nervous about the PA stuff- we're supposed to find out friday. It scares me cause i know i was supposed to apply, but i'm getting scared about not making it. Everyone else has so much faith that I will, but I'm not quite so sure. Oh well, He'll do what He wants to do.

I laid in bed last night and thought about Hannah and how great she's going to be. And i sat there and wrote a song while I was laying in bed. Not really wrote it because... haha well, i just sang it to myself, but man did it make me cry a freakin river or what? Geesh.

What else what else. i have quite a bit of homework i have to do, but i'm just not caring about. For example: my lit midterm tomorrow? not really studying for. I have a power point presentation to make tomorrow night. I have testing in vocal jazz on tuesday. Meh. I have to go babysit this kid tomorrow who i'm not really fond of. He just screeches in my face, and i'm never quite sure what to do with him. Hm. Perhaps he will like me tomorrow. no, no. Probably not. he will see my face at the door and scream his pretty little head off again. [sigh] the things people do for money.