Saturday, April 26, 2003
My roomate posted about this today, but i'm thinking about the same exact things.
i'm actually thinking about how frustrated I am that in being myself, no boys are interested.
I often wonder if i wore makeup, or wore trendy clothes, had a giggly laugh, or a coy smile, how quick i'd pick up a boy. and the answer is all too obvious.
I tend to believe that I'm so much deeper and so much more fun than all of those pretty girls. But i'm probably wrong. That's what kills me.
I don't want to be stuck like this forever.
"I confess the changes
maybe i'm growing up
from the shoes on my feet
to the stench in my mouth
I'll remain transparent" -Embodyment
i'm actually thinking about how frustrated I am that in being myself, no boys are interested.
I often wonder if i wore makeup, or wore trendy clothes, had a giggly laugh, or a coy smile, how quick i'd pick up a boy. and the answer is all too obvious.
I tend to believe that I'm so much deeper and so much more fun than all of those pretty girls. But i'm probably wrong. That's what kills me.
I don't want to be stuck like this forever.
"I confess the changes
maybe i'm growing up
from the shoes on my feet
to the stench in my mouth
I'll remain transparent" -Embodyment
I wanted to post this. Some other people have been posting poems around, and we read this the other day in lit class, and i really liked it.. so i'm gonna post it. Also- i'm writing an essay on it write now- so it's just sitting here.
Chicago by Carl Sandburg
Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:
They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I have seen your painted women under the gas lamps luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: yes, it is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: on the faces of women and children I have seen the marks of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetitc curses amid the toil of piling job on job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning
Building, breaking rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse, and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be the Hog Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.
Chicago by Carl Sandburg
Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:
They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I have seen your painted women under the gas lamps luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: yes, it is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: on the faces of women and children I have seen the marks of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetitc curses amid the toil of piling job on job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning
Building, breaking rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse, and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be the Hog Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.
Hey- if people that read Seth's blog are going to come over here... i'll talk about a Seth subject (and Seth would get a kick out of this, too). Seth has a thing for noses. Why? I'm not quite sure-- but that's his thing. You've got leg men and hand men and butt men and neck men, and then there's Seth who is a nose man. There are two girls on my hall that obviously have Jewish influence in their background, and I was just noticing their noses last night, and i said to them "I have this friend Seth who has a thing for noses, and he would love your guys'."
that's it. That's all i wanted to share.
that's it. That's all i wanted to share.
Friday, April 25, 2003
if you're reading this because of seth's recommendation- don't. I'm not a girl seth! :)
Thursday, April 24, 2003
You'll all have to ignore that little drawing down there. I have to do it over, cause i spelled Shachah wrong. I wasn't quite sure, and i was in class, so i just did it like that, darnit. so now i'm gonna do it over and make it a lot nicer.
What a long day. Natalie had more than me, and man.. i'm just tired. up at 7:30. Of course Natalie says that I must be really nervous about my practicum or something because on some of the nights before a practicum i wake up in the middle of the night and go and get my robe like i'm going to go take a shower, and Natalie always has to say "what are you doing?" haha. and usually my answer is "i'm not quite sure." I did it this morning at 5:30am. Well first i woke up at like 4:45 because the freakin' garbage truck was here! oh my word. then i woke up at 5:30 and thought it was time to get up. It wasn't. went back to sleep- woke up at 6:30, 6:45, 7:05, 7:15, and finally got up around 7:20. turned my alarm off (so it wouldn't go off while i was in the shower).... it's all so stupid.
so i went to practicum. Came back a little after noon. I happened to catch Rinda and Hannah before they went left for their new home, five hours away. kisses and hugs, and "see you two weeks!". Man, Hannah will be so much bigger the next time I see her. wahhhh this is now my life. I want to cry about it.
Then i went to lunch with Tai, and came back and sat in my room- that was my downtime (i wrote downtown the first time i wrote it.. weird). Vocal jazz- we have a concert tomorrow night. fun (blech). then a half hour where natalie and i sat in the library... i was antsy and went to check out the little upstairs room of the library i'd never been to before.. that was interesting. Then class. then dinner. then we had our sophomore class party. our piddly party with like 27 people. that was fun. We stopped at Natalie's grandma's house since she lives by where were having our party.
And now i'm back here. brief hall meeting which nobody showed up to. Nice. wonderful the things i have to look forward to as a PA- people not showing up to hall meetings or activities.
we talked about our respective years tonight at the sophomore party- one of the questions was what did you learn about yourself this year. I got all babbly and it didn't come out right- but i talked about examining my beliefs a lot. Looking at what i've believed all my life and wondering "do i believe that because i've been taught that, or because it's the Truth and it's in the Bible?" i also talked about how i learned how important my family is, this year. so many changes and spending so much time with them. I love them so much- they're my rock and my support group. It is really wonderful having a group of people like that who have watched you grow up through your awkward times (aren't they all) and who still love you because you're YOU, not because you're someone else. And you can all laugh together and you can be real around them. I never feel like I have to put a facade on when i'm around my family, and that's nice.
Even with most of the other people i know- i put on some facade. Content girl. nice girl. brown noser (ugh). the wallflower. rock and roll elite. the one who laughs and pokes fun.
with my family it's just nice to be Meghan.
A week ago i sat with my mom in Taco Bell and just talked. She just listened to all the things i wanted to talk about. Mostly all of them were superfluous (sp?) and petty things.. just talking about what i wanted to do next year as a PA, and what was going on, telling stories. But it was so nice to have someone who just let me talk. We were leaving and saying goodbye, we hugged and my mom said "thanks for sitting and talking" and i said "thank you for listening."
"you were a brother
before you were a king
when you're dethroned
what will you be?
you were a tower
lifted up so tall
we have to gasp
as we see
the height from which you fall
you wanna hide beneath the pretty paint
you wanna be okay with everything
you wanna be transformed and stay the same
you wanna be dry in the rain" -cool hand luke
What a long day. Natalie had more than me, and man.. i'm just tired. up at 7:30. Of course Natalie says that I must be really nervous about my practicum or something because on some of the nights before a practicum i wake up in the middle of the night and go and get my robe like i'm going to go take a shower, and Natalie always has to say "what are you doing?" haha. and usually my answer is "i'm not quite sure." I did it this morning at 5:30am. Well first i woke up at like 4:45 because the freakin' garbage truck was here! oh my word. then i woke up at 5:30 and thought it was time to get up. It wasn't. went back to sleep- woke up at 6:30, 6:45, 7:05, 7:15, and finally got up around 7:20. turned my alarm off (so it wouldn't go off while i was in the shower).... it's all so stupid.
so i went to practicum. Came back a little after noon. I happened to catch Rinda and Hannah before they went left for their new home, five hours away. kisses and hugs, and "see you two weeks!". Man, Hannah will be so much bigger the next time I see her. wahhhh this is now my life. I want to cry about it.
Then i went to lunch with Tai, and came back and sat in my room- that was my downtime (i wrote downtown the first time i wrote it.. weird). Vocal jazz- we have a concert tomorrow night. fun (blech). then a half hour where natalie and i sat in the library... i was antsy and went to check out the little upstairs room of the library i'd never been to before.. that was interesting. Then class. then dinner. then we had our sophomore class party. our piddly party with like 27 people. that was fun. We stopped at Natalie's grandma's house since she lives by where were having our party.
And now i'm back here. brief hall meeting which nobody showed up to. Nice. wonderful the things i have to look forward to as a PA- people not showing up to hall meetings or activities.
we talked about our respective years tonight at the sophomore party- one of the questions was what did you learn about yourself this year. I got all babbly and it didn't come out right- but i talked about examining my beliefs a lot. Looking at what i've believed all my life and wondering "do i believe that because i've been taught that, or because it's the Truth and it's in the Bible?" i also talked about how i learned how important my family is, this year. so many changes and spending so much time with them. I love them so much- they're my rock and my support group. It is really wonderful having a group of people like that who have watched you grow up through your awkward times (aren't they all) and who still love you because you're YOU, not because you're someone else. And you can all laugh together and you can be real around them. I never feel like I have to put a facade on when i'm around my family, and that's nice.
Even with most of the other people i know- i put on some facade. Content girl. nice girl. brown noser (ugh). the wallflower. rock and roll elite. the one who laughs and pokes fun.
with my family it's just nice to be Meghan.
A week ago i sat with my mom in Taco Bell and just talked. She just listened to all the things i wanted to talk about. Mostly all of them were superfluous (sp?) and petty things.. just talking about what i wanted to do next year as a PA, and what was going on, telling stories. But it was so nice to have someone who just let me talk. We were leaving and saying goodbye, we hugged and my mom said "thanks for sitting and talking" and i said "thank you for listening."
"you were a brother
before you were a king
when you're dethroned
what will you be?
you were a tower
lifted up so tall
we have to gasp
as we see
the height from which you fall
you wanna hide beneath the pretty paint
you wanna be okay with everything
you wanna be transformed and stay the same
you wanna be dry in the rain" -cool hand luke
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Doodling in class: it's never fun to listen to the teacher.
One funny thing i forgot to mention about my weekend: I gave up pop for Lent, which mostly means Mt. Dew because that's almost the only kind i will drink. Anyhow- We were at this place on Easter for lunch, and i think to myself "hey- it's easter- i can have pop!" I turn around and look at my brother and say "I'm gonna have pop today. Lent is over. Hallelujah Christ is risen". It was kinda funny. at least to me.
Last night I wrote a paper for my EdTech class. Today and tonight i wrote a paper for my human development paper. I practiced my jazz music. I cuddled with Hannah. I have just been busy, which is nice. Tomorrow I have practicum which.. of course I don't want to go to. oh well.
Last night I wrote a paper for my EdTech class. Today and tonight i wrote a paper for my human development paper. I practiced my jazz music. I cuddled with Hannah. I have just been busy, which is nice. Tomorrow I have practicum which.. of course I don't want to go to. oh well.
Monday, April 21, 2003
Let's talk about my weekend shall we? because frankly, it was a very good one.
Friday- what did i do friday? I slept in (meaning 9:30). Then I went to lunch. Then i went over to Joel and Rinda's. Originally I went over to help Rinda pack, and we got some stuff done- but i held Hannah a lot. Rinda said that was helpful, though, because then she could pack stuff. Oh well- I was happy. Then we had our Good Friday service at church which was wonderful. I then came back to the dorms and went and hit denny's with Tai, Alina, Stephanie and .. oh myself. We had an waiter/ess. it was .. interesting.
Saturday i slept in. went to brunch. did some homework. went to the church to help set up for easter, let my bass guitar (er, rather the church's bass guitar, slam on the floor). ate dinner with my mom. then went to see the appleseed cast which was very good- i'm so glad i went. They didn't play a lot of songs i knew, but it was stil very very good. It was very crowded and i got very hot. and i couldn't see anything because i realized I'm really short.
Sunday i did NOT sleep in. I got up at 7. Went to church- had a glorious time. we just started a 6 week experiment having our service in the gym because we are too crowded in our sanctuary. it went pretty well. Afterwards my parents, joel, rinda, hannah, my aunt and uncle, and I went out to eat at this great restaurant that has WONDERFUL strawberry shortcake. mmmm it was so good. SO SO good. So we did that. that was nice- just lounging around at a restaurant. And then the rest of the afternoon i did NOTHING. I just sat around. It was very very nice.
Then last night I went to go see Holes with April, Neil, Tammy, baby Myles, and April's brothers. What a good, good movie. Clean. Interesting plot. I had read the book for my children's lit class... it was just so good- the whole movie. Man... plus- you have to love a kids' movie that has Moby on the soundtrack.
that was my weekend. my allergies are being horrible today, so therefore i'm going to go take out my contacts. au revoir. or whatever
Friday- what did i do friday? I slept in (meaning 9:30). Then I went to lunch. Then i went over to Joel and Rinda's. Originally I went over to help Rinda pack, and we got some stuff done- but i held Hannah a lot. Rinda said that was helpful, though, because then she could pack stuff. Oh well- I was happy. Then we had our Good Friday service at church which was wonderful. I then came back to the dorms and went and hit denny's with Tai, Alina, Stephanie and .. oh myself. We had an waiter/ess. it was .. interesting.
Saturday i slept in. went to brunch. did some homework. went to the church to help set up for easter, let my bass guitar (er, rather the church's bass guitar, slam on the floor). ate dinner with my mom. then went to see the appleseed cast which was very good- i'm so glad i went. They didn't play a lot of songs i knew, but it was stil very very good. It was very crowded and i got very hot. and i couldn't see anything because i realized I'm really short.
Sunday i did NOT sleep in. I got up at 7. Went to church- had a glorious time. we just started a 6 week experiment having our service in the gym because we are too crowded in our sanctuary. it went pretty well. Afterwards my parents, joel, rinda, hannah, my aunt and uncle, and I went out to eat at this great restaurant that has WONDERFUL strawberry shortcake. mmmm it was so good. SO SO good. So we did that. that was nice- just lounging around at a restaurant. And then the rest of the afternoon i did NOTHING. I just sat around. It was very very nice.
Then last night I went to go see Holes with April, Neil, Tammy, baby Myles, and April's brothers. What a good, good movie. Clean. Interesting plot. I had read the book for my children's lit class... it was just so good- the whole movie. Man... plus- you have to love a kids' movie that has Moby on the soundtrack.
that was my weekend. my allergies are being horrible today, so therefore i'm going to go take out my contacts. au revoir. or whatever
