Cement Girl

I am so indecisive, it isn't even funny. I have been looking forward to moving back into my dorm room for the past three weeks. And today I sat in my bedroom (#2) at home, and looked around and thought "ew. I don't want to start school again." I just want to be by my friends.

Why bedroom #2 you ask? okay. i'm bored. I'll tell you. At our house from 7th grade to when i graduated high school I had my room upstairs. My junior year of HS my parents let me paint it. I chose yellow, stenciled some scripture around the top, did a little sponge paint, etc. The furniture was this cool, old, antiquey stuff, and i have a short wooden rocking chair in there. It was pretty cool. So when I moved out to go to college, my parents made it the guest room, because it has its own bathrom acros the hall.

And then I moved all my junk downstairs into my brother's old room. So that's where all my junk is. That's bedroom #2. All Christmas break I still slept upstairs in my old room. Anyway. that's that.

I'm kinda scared. Thursday night I was not feeling too well after dinner. I went to bed and was feeling this incredible ache in my stomach, and not like cramps either.. it hurt pretty bad, and I just felt like i wanted to throw up, and i couldnt' go to sleep because of it. Well around midnight I did throw up. And then i went to sleep, woke up at 2:45 am and threw up again. The pain in my stomach was gone.. but man...

Friday i was supposed to take my grandma to the fabric store, and i was going to run some other errands. Well I got up and thought I was feeling better. I went to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast, looked in the fridge and just thought "no way. I can't even stand the thought of food right now" But I downed a whole glass of milk cause i was thirsty. I couldn't really stand up without being woozy, so I went back to lay in bed for a while. I got up again a little later and thought "I can do this. I'm not that sick" and thought about going to take a shower. Well i was brushing my teeth and stuff, and thought "no way can i stand up in the shower, i'm sick" so i just leaned over the tub and washed my hair (it really needed it). After that i still felt pretty sick, so I went and laid down in my bed for half an hour or so. I called my grandma and mom and said i wasn't going to be able to take grandma to the store, and called my best friend's house and left a message.

Then i decided to just go veg on the couch downstairs and watch tv. I did that. And then of course, around 11 i threw up. And then again at noon. The worst part about throwing up is when you don't really have anything in your stomach... all I had had to eat/drink Friday was that glass of milk, and then a huge glass of water.

And all I wanted Friday was really really cold water to drink. Lots of it. The only water cold enough that i could find was out of my bathroom sink. Last night as I went to get ready for bed (I was feeling much better yesterday and ate dinner and some ice cream... that sounded nice and cold), i was taking ALL these swigs of water out of the faucet, cause i was so thirsty.

Agh. this is more than anyone wants to know. Today i moved back into the dorm. I just moved a lot of my stuff in, my clothes and amp and junk. I'm going to stay the night at home tonight, because i have to get up and go to church tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon we have an open house to sell our house, so of course today has been this huge cleaning day for that. I sure hope we have a lot of people come through or else my mom might have a breakdown. gah. Anyway... that is all the ordeal i can deal with right now. Tomorrow night i will be back in the dorm, safe and sound.

"The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you"-Coldplay

Hmmm. what to write, what to write. I have gotten no work from the art gallery, and so it looks like I'll be taking up another job, at a temp nanny place. They pay very well, and I need money. Badly. so i'm going to get the application tonight. Blah. I don't want to do this, but i have to. I have to get money somehow. agh. the application is like six pages long.

I don't know what else to write about. My lack of money is all i can think about right now.

aaaahh. we went with Rinda today to her prenatal appointment at the clinic. and it was SO FUN. The midwives were really nice, and they spent a long time talking to Rinda, and talking just about things, and they ask how they are doing, how their christmas was, etc. etc. It's just a nice, relaxed atmosphere. They are definitely the kind of people who you to be informed and for you to make your own decisions about things. Now i'm thinking that if I have kids this might not be a bad idea.

So they checked her up, and at this place they don't do pelvic exams.. just one midwife kinda poked and prodded to find out how the baby was set up, and then we got to go in and feel. I felt her back, but i wasn't very good at feeling her butt or head (Hannah, the baby's, that is). Anyway- and then they set up the doppler machine thing that lets everyone hear the heartbeat- that was great. My mom started crying.

So that was a very fun experience today.

by the waters
mourning fo the dead
this foreign soil
it takes more men than we could give

the quiet rooms
all have been ravaged through
and greedy dogs
tear at the roots

so here you are
hiding from abuse
while the word
moves on without you
wanting more
the scales betray you
numbered days
forced to choose

cruel fate
you brought me here
an arrow to the heel
what a funny way to disappear-Lewis

I'm going to go to bed tonight, and hope that Mr. blue eyed mystery man comes back to me in my dreams. And sits on my back again.

Aaahhh i had a weird dream last night. I think I was on the floor of Mt. Scott church's foyer, laying down, on my laptop. And then this guy comes along, and he's a pscyhologist, but i guess he was a high school counselor. And we sat on floor talking for the longest time. And he was nice. And cute. I remember I felt like i couldn't look at him cause he was so cute, but i kept stealing little glances and he had these beautiful pale blue eyes.

AND FOR SOME REASON (hahah) he was laying on my back. I think he was doing it as a joke, cause i kept telling him to get off and he kept saying no, but we were laughing.

It was REALLY odd. I woke up and went "whoa.. weird"

I'm sitting here, listening to the Carolines. Somehow things seem a little okay when they're on.

I'm also sitting here trying to figure out how to solve everything. And i mean everything. How i can fix my friends' situations. How I can pay for textbook next week. How I can start a band. How I can make friends. How I can find the right guy. How I can ... anything. and everything.

It would be nice to have solutions once in a while. I felt SO on top of it today. Then i just came down. All the way down.

I was telling nick.. it's an odd thing. I feel fifteen again, with what's going on with my friends. I feel fifteen again in that I'm by myself, and I'm feel very.. alone, yet very independent. For three weeks I've been alone, and even though I've been bored out of my mind some of the time, I've felt incredibly.. ..

free... And now that i've got all these things to think about.. it's like coming back down from that cloud, and hitting the earth again. School's going to start up. Classes will start. I will have to deal with the pressure of everyone else on campus. And i will be continually be reminded that in my singleness.. the simple I is not good enough. It's one of those nights where I'd like to curl up and go away. f a a a a a a r away.

Or sit with a guy friend and play video games. or lay on a lawn and talk. or be happy.

"Fill my empty hands
With beaches of sand
I'm in a New York band
Playing the grand

I didn't wanna believe it
When i found You in my life
I was more than I had to be
When I found You in my life
I needed consistency

Gentle gentle breeze
Propelling me free
It's like a new disease
Sick of the motion
I'm down on my knees"-Carolines

Why can't things stay the same.. nice and calm? I'm in a deep funk trying to figure out my best friend and her relationship with a boy. I can't decide whether I'm jealous of the time they're spending together, or worried because of their relationship. Jaime is in a difficult situation at home. Natalie is kinda down in the dumps.

And here I am feeling pretty good. Cheese whiz.

"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
Nobody said it would be so hard
... I'm going back to the start"-Coldplay