Saturday, February 04, 2006
The thing I think about the most often is Mexico. i keep having dreams about it. I keep planning what I'm going to do when I am there. I keep bringing myself back to the feeling of living there: the places I frequented, the smells, the people, the sounds, the food. I think that I could walk a few dusty blocks to the internet cafe, spend an hour there, go to the grocery store, and then back to my place. I'm thinking of rolling hills and bright sunny days. I think of sparkling eyes of children. Every time I hear one of my fifth graders speak Spanish my heart hurts a little bit. Drinking from a nalgene all day, not taking showers, hanging up laundry to dry, writing in a journal consistently, being alone in my thoughts. I miss those things.
I have a countdown going on my cell phone.
I really don't like to complain, but can I do it just this once? The other thing pressing very heavily on me is the fact that I'm really tired. I'm student teaching, and right now I'm not even doing anything for it, and I'm tired. I'm there all week, and I'm working weekends. I have to work weekends to pay for Mexico and groceries and electricity and gasoline. Working weekends means I miss out on the things my friends are doing, and I'm just really torn. I try to pass it off nonchalantly like "oh, i just gotta pay bills", but usually the last thing I want to hear about is all the fun everyone had without me. Why can't everyone else have to work, too? There's only so much time left to be doing these things with these people, and I have to make money. On top of all of this, a friend got on my case the other night about not having health insurance, and the last thing I want to think about is one more thing to pay for each month. I'm not even paying all the things I should be paying! Dear Lord, I can't stop thinking about it. It really took all I had in me to not burst into tears the other night when the friend brought it up. This is what makes me tired. I wish I could be everywhere at once, doing all the right things.
As much as that all is the very truth of what I feel, I can't help but think I should just slap myself for throwing myself a pity party. My life really is good, I'm just stressed.
I have a countdown going on my cell phone.
I really don't like to complain, but can I do it just this once? The other thing pressing very heavily on me is the fact that I'm really tired. I'm student teaching, and right now I'm not even doing anything for it, and I'm tired. I'm there all week, and I'm working weekends. I have to work weekends to pay for Mexico and groceries and electricity and gasoline. Working weekends means I miss out on the things my friends are doing, and I'm just really torn. I try to pass it off nonchalantly like "oh, i just gotta pay bills", but usually the last thing I want to hear about is all the fun everyone had without me. Why can't everyone else have to work, too? There's only so much time left to be doing these things with these people, and I have to make money. On top of all of this, a friend got on my case the other night about not having health insurance, and the last thing I want to think about is one more thing to pay for each month. I'm not even paying all the things I should be paying! Dear Lord, I can't stop thinking about it. It really took all I had in me to not burst into tears the other night when the friend brought it up. This is what makes me tired. I wish I could be everywhere at once, doing all the right things.
As much as that all is the very truth of what I feel, I can't help but think I should just slap myself for throwing myself a pity party. My life really is good, I'm just stressed.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
I really, really, really want to go to Europe.
My professor brought pictures of his trip to London and Holland and I just want to go there.
My professor brought pictures of his trip to London and Holland and I just want to go there.
