Cement Girl

I am extremely bored(ing) tonight, so there's no telling how long or short this post might be.

I used to post a lot over at a certain message board, and after certain happenings during the summer, when school started i told myself i shouldn't be there anymore, so I left, except to look and see what was happening on one part of the board (which is run by a record label. It's more strictly about music). Well, then i told myself it was okay to go to the Culture part of the board. Well folks, since I've been so bored lately, I'm back in again, making little comments here and there and reading it all the time.

My point is this: All they've been talking about lately is dating, kissing, making out, your relationship status. Geeeez. That's all they're thinking about! it's crazy. What's even more stupid is that I'm finally done convincing myself that I'm fine right where I am and I'm content, and then I go read that stuff.. blahhhhhhh. Oh well, i need to stop going there.

I went out furniture shopping with my parents today. What an extravaganza! That was interesting. Not something I do much of anymore.

Then I was trying to get a huge stain out of my floor mat. My car didn't come with any floormats. My car is beige outside, and brown inside, so my dad got some carpet samples. Large beige ones for the front, and small brown shaggy ones for the back. He gave them to me at first and i was like "ew... stupid" but I really like them now. Anyway- a month or two ago I was coming back to the dorm from Taco Bell, and had a cup of mt. dew in my lap, and as I pulled into a parking spot and put the car into the park (i think I jerked the car pretty good), the mt dew tipped over and spilled all over the floor. Well, I live in the dorms and don't really have cleaning supplies, so I just sopped up as much as I could, and left it,but since that Mt. dew is kinda sticky and wet and all that- whenever i get in with dirty shoes (always) the dirt just sticks there, so there has been this huge dirt stain formulating. Today i decided to try and take it off.

Then i tried to go through my room and organize and pack stuff. Crap crap crap. I own too much crap that i don't want to get rid of. Lord help me, i'm gonna go insane. I have junk for crap., that's right. junk for crap.

I have nothing else to talk about. I wish something was going on with my life. I'm the kind of person that has certain things to look forward to. I looked forward to finals being over. Then i looked forward to Christmas, and then my little party, and now the next thing is Rinda having that baby! (and she's not due till mid-march!)... I think I've got to just survive the next two months. [yawn] how boring.

hallelujah! they were my grades!! And i didn't get a C in Hum210 like I thought I was going to get.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah. I got all A's and B's.

The new year doesn't feel any different. Why the heck not? pfft. It's supposed to be different.

yesterday I spent the day vegging. Okay I am always vegging during break, but yesterday was especially big vegging. I got up late. I was online. I knitted some. Then we went over to my grandma's to watch home video of my new little cousin, and went to Red Lobster, and I'm eating my combo (chicken fingers and crunch fried fish).. and very suddenly feel very woozy. It was very weird. I really didn't WANT to eat that food anymore, and .. blah. it was weird. After the lady took our plates I laid my head down on the table while everyone talked. I felt very out of it.

We got home, but then Mom, Rinda and I decided that we wanted to go organize Rinda's wish list baby registry at Target. Man. There's nothing like shopping for cute baby things that just makes you wanna have a baby. I guess that wasn't exactly what I needed right then.

Today I got up, and just putted around. I went to check my mail at school, because the mailroom opened again today. It was full of goodies. A letter with a bracelet from this girl, who is called "the rachel" on decapolis. She has been very nice to me, we talk some, and the first time we talked we had some stuff in common and i was joking around and said "We should be friends! We could even have friendship bracelets!" well she thought that was a great idea_:) So i got my friendship bracelet which is pretty cool. Then i got the stuff I ordered from Denison Marrs. Get this: A sweatshirt, cd, a button and a sticker all for 23 bucks. And I didn't have to pay shipping. It's like ripping the poor band off, I tell ya. Yay, so i was glad I got that. The other stuff was boring. A postcard from another college, and a statement from mine. "YOU OWE US MONEEEEEY" That's what it said, and I didn't even have to open it up. Oh wait. wait wait wait! I just realized it could also be my grades!!! Aiiieee. I need to go open that up. jimminy christmas, i'm a dork.

Then i went to help my grandma do some stuff with her closet, and i read the paper there at her apartment, then i went to the library to return books, and saw that they didn't have video #3 for the Rock and Roll Documentary, which makes me sad. :( I want to find out the rest!

Tonight there are two CSI's on. This makes me pretty excited. I think Nick is still mad at me. I wrote him an apology e-mail two nights ago, but he hasn't written me back. I feel pretty stupid.

"Send me an angel
Right now
Right now [guitar solo]"- Denison Marrs covering The Real Life

I've been waiting quite a few weeks to post this entry (well at least the song), and then the song needs an introduction of some sort.

2001 ended quite nicely. I realized I didn't like Kellen anymore, and that.. i shouldn't have liked him in the first place. New Year's Eve 2001 was spent watching Switchfoot play, from behind the speakers on the side of the stage. When i think about it.. it's kinda.. poignant or something, spending the last hours of 2001 wandering around this youth groupy concert, feeling somewhat lost and misplaced, by myself, and enjoying my favorite band play.

January 19th I drove up to Seattle with Joel and Rinda to see Aaron Sprinkle play at the Paradox. That was a fun concert. Our favorite local band, The Carolines, opened for him, and so did Dolour. That day I had gotten my cartilage pierced, and in April I had it pierced again.

I spent most of my spring semester dividing my time between school and Seth. I worked in the cafeteria, and kinda just bade my time (is bade a word?) Seth and I thought we were IT for each other, and were just waiting until we met at Cornerstone. I spent a week in March in Mexico, which was wonderful.

May came and I moved back home from college for two weeks, and bummed around. On the 16th I left for Long Beach, where I spent my summer, by myself, mostly being introverted and introspective. Mid June I took a couple of days off and drove down to Portland to meet up with Jaime and Natalie and I got to see Brandtson play for the first time. I went back up to Long Beach, and then at the end of the month drove back down to go with my family on that two week trip across America.

Which was great. We drove straight through to Bushnell Illinois where I got to see a ton of bands I love play, and it was hot and humid, and sticky, but that's usually not what i think of when I think Cornerstone now. I usually think of the great mix of people, and the music at 1am, and the great shows I saw. And the fact that I met Seth and ... I decided it wasn't going to work.

My family spent a week coming back, visiting some great American sites like Lincoln's Home, Hannibal (where I met nick and we couldnt' decide what to do so we hung out at wal mart), the Wall Drug, Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone. I loved "seeing" America. I'd love to just travel around for a summer exploring.

We made it home, and I went back up to Long Beach to spend another month making sandwiches and clam chowder. I was pretty lonely, and wasn't having the best of times up there. I dealt with a lot of backlash from saying "no" to Seth, and that hurt a lot. I didn't have friends to lean on and cry to and talk with about it. Mostly I would go to bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour to think. Other than that I put on a happy face and went about my business, I couldn't do much else, and didn't really have a choice. Mostly I used the music I was used to, and the music I had recently discovered to use as support, and as a way to escape.

In the middle of August, on a Sunday evening, I packed up all my things and drove back to Portland. Sunday night I spent at my parents' house (i didn't unpack my car) and then Monday morning I moved into my dorm room back at school. Monday at noon the "knights" from school left on a rafting trip. I was excited about being back and meeting the new students and being a Knight. A knight is part of orientation and welcomes the new students, and assists in orientation weekend. I specifically remember coming back from our rafting trip on Tuesday night, reading my e-mail (more backlash still) and finally being able to cry to April about it. My dorm was sparse, I had finally finished my summer away from Portland, and the problems hadn't gone away. I felt tired and pathetic and extremely lost.

That was a good week, though. I was with my best friend, and feeling incredibly free. Rafting, a training session, and then the new students came. Monday came soon enough though, and that meant classes. That weekend and the next weekend I spent in Long Beach helping out with the huge tourist crowd.

I began to get myself back into the normal routine of things. School, church, family, friends, I was definitely glad to be back. Late September my parents decided they wanted to move, and my grandma, who had lived with us since I was seven, moved into a retirement community. Our house is still up for sale.

Along with the normal routine of things came concerts. I went with Jaime to Eugene to see Bob Dylan. Denison Marrs finally made it to Portland. A big outing was Tai, Natalie, April, Jaime and I going to see Dashboard Confessional. Tai, Jaime and I went to see The Stivs play, and that night included xhardcorexdancingx. My brother's band played their last show. I saw Switchfoot play twice (nov. 14 and 15) in eugene and portland, and I saw the Carolines and Dolour play just last Friday (ironically rounding out my year).

This entry has been much longer than I expected. In August I found out that I am going to be an aunt, which... was probably the most exciting thing about this year. 2001 was hard. It was hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc, but I learned a lot of things about myself, and about others, and usually those happened in the very down times, when I was examining who I was, and what I do, and why I'm on this earth. I've realized the things that make me somewhat stable: My faith (which includes my wonderful church family), my family (as it's growing!), my friends (i know who is real and who isn't), and music. These are the things that keep me grounded in who Meghan is.

I've been listening to this song over and over the past month, and I think it reflects a lot of what I'm feeling. I look to 2003 and see a ton of things happening that I'm excited about (or at least, they're life-changing things). My parents will most likely move (if someone buys our house!) into a condo, which will change my familiarities. In March I will become aunt Meghan to little Hannah Marie who is already more loved than a lot of people (you know how good i'm going to be! She's already been listening to Denison Marrs and Switchfoot). And hopefully I will be selected to be a PA (in charge of a dorm hall) for my junior year of college, which, if it happens, is entirely by the grace of God. Here goes nothing.

"A long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I can be forgiven....I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..
...I guess I should" -Counting Crows

Stupid blog. work.

Let's see.... last time i posted was Saturday night. Not a ton of stuff has happened since then, besides eating very unhealthily. blah.

Sunday was church. Then april and I went out to lunch at the Taco House. They serve these cinnamon and sugar (BUNUELOS!) cookies there after your dinner, and the sugar gets everywhere aaanyway but... I accidentally dropped mine, and it got sugar everywhere. It was pretty funny.

Then we went shopping for goodies for my "party" with girls from my hall. Then i sat at home and cleaned the house, read some, and got phone calls from people saying "oh yeah i can't come to your party", which.. is also..a... plus. or minus.

So it was kinda boring, and i just feel like that because we didn't do anything exciting. I mean, it was a ton of fun to sit around and talk, but Shannon had to leave early, and Charity had to leave, so that left Courtney, April, Natalie and Me. We watched Little Women (DARN THAT JO!) and then fell asleep, cause by then it was 2:30. anyway... that was kinda disappointing. Not that it wasn't fun, but.. i just thought i was going to have this great party, and everybody was going to come. oh well.

We got up, and I took Natalie and April home, driving on the freeways, scared for my life. It was raining, and it wasn't raining terribly hard, but the water was kicking up from all the other cars, and it's just crap I tell ya. It's like when you're in the fast lane, and you're passing between a semi and the cement wall. I can see my life ending right there. I start thinking about all my good memories with my family, and what my memorial service should be like. okay i don't really, but ... i'm scared.

Oh! And when we dropped Natalie off at Fred Meyer, to meet her mom, we decided (or I decided) i needed to start knitting. So Natalie, April and I picked out knitting supplies. Then I used the U-Scan thing at Fred Meyer to buy my stuff, which.. is pretty serious business. I had never done it before, but i had a lot of moral support from April who is a veteran at using the U-Scan.

So i dropped off April, got home, and watched some Dr. Phil. Yeah, you read that right. Dr. Phil. Then...my parents came home from their trip and i talked to them, and got online, and then started knitting and I knitted for like two and a half hours... I'm pretty good at it. Okay not really.. but... i'm getting there! And like Junie B. Jones says after years and years of practice i could be good.


"Cause she's so
open open open open
open open open open
open open open open
open"-Pep Squad