Cement Girl

I've been waiting quite a few weeks to post this entry (well at least the song), and then the song needs an introduction of some sort.

2001 ended quite nicely. I realized I didn't like Kellen anymore, and that.. i shouldn't have liked him in the first place. New Year's Eve 2001 was spent watching Switchfoot play, from behind the speakers on the side of the stage. When i think about it.. it's kinda.. poignant or something, spending the last hours of 2001 wandering around this youth groupy concert, feeling somewhat lost and misplaced, by myself, and enjoying my favorite band play.

January 19th I drove up to Seattle with Joel and Rinda to see Aaron Sprinkle play at the Paradox. That was a fun concert. Our favorite local band, The Carolines, opened for him, and so did Dolour. That day I had gotten my cartilage pierced, and in April I had it pierced again.

I spent most of my spring semester dividing my time between school and Seth. I worked in the cafeteria, and kinda just bade my time (is bade a word?) Seth and I thought we were IT for each other, and were just waiting until we met at Cornerstone. I spent a week in March in Mexico, which was wonderful.

May came and I moved back home from college for two weeks, and bummed around. On the 16th I left for Long Beach, where I spent my summer, by myself, mostly being introverted and introspective. Mid June I took a couple of days off and drove down to Portland to meet up with Jaime and Natalie and I got to see Brandtson play for the first time. I went back up to Long Beach, and then at the end of the month drove back down to go with my family on that two week trip across America.

Which was great. We drove straight through to Bushnell Illinois where I got to see a ton of bands I love play, and it was hot and humid, and sticky, but that's usually not what i think of when I think Cornerstone now. I usually think of the great mix of people, and the music at 1am, and the great shows I saw. And the fact that I met Seth and ... I decided it wasn't going to work.

My family spent a week coming back, visiting some great American sites like Lincoln's Home, Hannibal (where I met nick and we couldnt' decide what to do so we hung out at wal mart), the Wall Drug, Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone. I loved "seeing" America. I'd love to just travel around for a summer exploring.

We made it home, and I went back up to Long Beach to spend another month making sandwiches and clam chowder. I was pretty lonely, and wasn't having the best of times up there. I dealt with a lot of backlash from saying "no" to Seth, and that hurt a lot. I didn't have friends to lean on and cry to and talk with about it. Mostly I would go to bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour to think. Other than that I put on a happy face and went about my business, I couldn't do much else, and didn't really have a choice. Mostly I used the music I was used to, and the music I had recently discovered to use as support, and as a way to escape.

In the middle of August, on a Sunday evening, I packed up all my things and drove back to Portland. Sunday night I spent at my parents' house (i didn't unpack my car) and then Monday morning I moved into my dorm room back at school. Monday at noon the "knights" from school left on a rafting trip. I was excited about being back and meeting the new students and being a Knight. A knight is part of orientation and welcomes the new students, and assists in orientation weekend. I specifically remember coming back from our rafting trip on Tuesday night, reading my e-mail (more backlash still) and finally being able to cry to April about it. My dorm was sparse, I had finally finished my summer away from Portland, and the problems hadn't gone away. I felt tired and pathetic and extremely lost.

That was a good week, though. I was with my best friend, and feeling incredibly free. Rafting, a training session, and then the new students came. Monday came soon enough though, and that meant classes. That weekend and the next weekend I spent in Long Beach helping out with the huge tourist crowd.

I began to get myself back into the normal routine of things. School, church, family, friends, I was definitely glad to be back. Late September my parents decided they wanted to move, and my grandma, who had lived with us since I was seven, moved into a retirement community. Our house is still up for sale.

Along with the normal routine of things came concerts. I went with Jaime to Eugene to see Bob Dylan. Denison Marrs finally made it to Portland. A big outing was Tai, Natalie, April, Jaime and I going to see Dashboard Confessional. Tai, Jaime and I went to see The Stivs play, and that night included xhardcorexdancingx. My brother's band played their last show. I saw Switchfoot play twice (nov. 14 and 15) in eugene and portland, and I saw the Carolines and Dolour play just last Friday (ironically rounding out my year).

This entry has been much longer than I expected. In August I found out that I am going to be an aunt, which... was probably the most exciting thing about this year. 2001 was hard. It was hard emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc, but I learned a lot of things about myself, and about others, and usually those happened in the very down times, when I was examining who I was, and what I do, and why I'm on this earth. I've realized the things that make me somewhat stable: My faith (which includes my wonderful church family), my family (as it's growing!), my friends (i know who is real and who isn't), and music. These are the things that keep me grounded in who Meghan is.

I've been listening to this song over and over the past month, and I think it reflects a lot of what I'm feeling. I look to 2003 and see a ton of things happening that I'm excited about (or at least, they're life-changing things). My parents will most likely move (if someone buys our house!) into a condo, which will change my familiarities. In March I will become aunt Meghan to little Hannah Marie who is already more loved than a lot of people (you know how good i'm going to be! She's already been listening to Denison Marrs and Switchfoot). And hopefully I will be selected to be a PA (in charge of a dorm hall) for my junior year of college, which, if it happens, is entirely by the grace of God. Here goes nothing.

"A long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I can be forgiven....I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long December, and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..
...I guess I should" -Counting Crows