Sunday, July 08, 2007


Monday, April 30, 2007


are my great-great-grandparents.

My mom just sent me this picture that she just received from her cousin. And searching through genealogy things online I found a record that states that my great-great-grandfather was born in 1864 in Joplin, Missouri. He died and was buried in Hannibal.

Reading things like Mark Twain makes me feel so far removed from this part of American culture (i live in the Northwest, where Lewis and Clark and the Oregon Trail is what we refer to as OUR history. Other history, like the Civic War doesn't seem like OUR history). This, however, makes it feel a little closer. Very strange and cool.

And apparently I come from hearty stock. Ha.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

It's getting warm. At least warmer. It's in the 50s and with the warmth comes familiar smells. The biting cold and wind of winter took those smells away. But now you can smell it again. The squid or larvae cooking at the street vendors, or that fleeting waft of sewage. Maybe the simple smell of our school building or the scent of a warm subway car. They're back. And most of all they remind me of the time when I arrived here.

It's been nearly six months, which is unbelievable and believable at the same time. But I'm restless. Mostly I'm restless because I feel like I am doing nothing. Tonight I realized (although I can't imagine why I didn't realize it before) that I am saying the same script, day in and day out, quite literally, while teaching. Our students use the same workbooks over and over and the format never changes. I am saying the same things today that I told my students in October. It's frustrating and defeating. I want out.

Stephanie and I started running again about a month ago, which at least eats up some time, four days a week. For now I've thrown caution to the wind and I don't even think twice about walking to the river in our workout clothes and undone hair. I couldn't care less what these people think about me.

The weirdest thing to me is that I don't know what I'll do when I go back to Portland. Yes, try to find a teaching job. But who knows? That has a big possibility of not happening. The actual weird part of this situation is that I cannot remember a time where I felt this up in the air about my life. Everything has always been: go to school and graduate. Even throughout the last year of college I knew I would be going abroad. And now I'll go back and have no idea. I'll also have no home, no car, no cell phone, no furniture. I am freaked out.

Sometimes we make plans for ourselves. We make grand plans and schemes and we forget to think twice. I'm 24 years old and I have no idea where my life is heading. For me, that is a very scary thought.

Did it ever occur to you that sometimes people leave because they want to be missed?

Saturday, February 24, 2007

The story of my life:

when life starts sucking, get lost in a book. it's an easy way out.

the only problem is when you look up from the pages and everything is the same as before.

Friday, February 16, 2007

I don't know that I've ever hated anybody.

But I sure do hate some people now, and it's a very scary feeling.

Being made fun of by a group of middle school boys, who speak a different language, and having no way to stop them, is a disgusting feeling.

It took everything in me to not start crying right there in the middle of class. But I couldn't help my face from turning red.

I am dreading Tuesday. I just want to give up.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

You know what I want?

I want the typical American life. I want to teach elementary students, I want to have a little family and a little house. I want to make chocolate chip cookies for my kids, and go to football games on Friday nights. I want to visit with my family whenever I want, and have good friends around. I want Target and to watch movies, and to listen to music, and to go to a friend's bbq.

I want everything so typically American. And i feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for wanting it all.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Sometimes I am just so frustrated with everything. I want different everything and I'm upset about my current situation. everything about it.

and today i told myself to chill out. because i have jesus. i need to be more than grateful.

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