Cement Girl

Do you know what I'm ready for?

I'm really ready to be away from all these Christian kids and their freedom. I'm ready to be out in the world, living my life the way I want, without feeling horrible because of the way I live my life, or the way I think. Sometimes it gets too much, being on a Christian campus. Not because i'm surrounded by Christian things, but because of the way the people who hate conservative Christianity act and talk to other people. Pah.

Because Jon Foreman knows what i need:

"Living is simple
And breathing is easy
It's easy to do
Living is simple
and losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

'all will be made well
will be made well
will be made well
will be well'*

Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the worst
Is this fiction or divine comedy?
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
the choices remain"-switchfoot

*Julian of Norwich

This morning I stumbled out of bed 45 minutes after my alarm went off. And in my stumbling I made it to the bathroom to take a shower. Someone had the radio on very loud, and this was playing. It was exactly what I needed. Exactly what I"m going through, with all these random thoughts of Christianity and deed and faith are mingling around in my head. It was the perfect start to a day, the morning after feeling so helpless.

"Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone
can break my fall
I'm living again
Awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way that i say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Your's
This is the way, this is way"-switchfoot

This cd is exactly what i need to listen to today. I dare you to move. Love is the movement. You Already Take Me There. Innocence Again. The Economy of Mercy. Erosion. I haven't listened to this in way too long.

said tonight to someone online:

"um. Hm. It's a good thing I've only had 13 credits this semester, and a couple of my classes haven't been that hard. Because I've been so bogged down with thoughts this semester, it's absolutely crazy. I read two books that made me think so much. Both by Douglas Coupland: Girlfriend in a Coma and Hey, Nostradamus! ummm. I don't even know if I can put it into words. I've been thinking a lot about my purpose. What I want for my life vs. what God wants for me. Feeling sad about growing up (i just turned 21). Feeling conflicted about my convictions. Feeling the NEED to create something but nothing coming out. And so on and so forth. Wondering if I will ever, actually, have a significant other. wondering how that even happens. Because it has never happened for me, and I'm beginning to think that I am not even capable of having that. just a long list of things. blah blah blah I'm messed up. I guess I feel like I am stuck, and I'm not moving but I'm trying REALLY hard to move anyway. I'm sick of sitting in my dorm room doing nothing."

Today I was reminded of things. During chapel I leaned over to put my elbows on my thighs and just stared down at my hands. The only ring I wear is on my left thumb. A plain silver band that is engraved, four times around, with the word "Faith". Stuck inside the engraved letters is the paint we used to paint that house in Mexico. I have tried to get it out to no avail. That paint will not move. It is stuck there in "Faith". Faith without works is dead.

Good day today.

Church (which... getting up early wasn't fun, but whatever). A former Muslim, new Christian my family knows got baptized at his church today, and we went out to lunch to celebrate.

Went to the art museum. I actually like that place, unlike one of the people that was in my group. I was hurried through, though, because i knew the other person in my group didn't want to be there.

I went and finished my laundry at my parents' house. Read some magazines, watched bad tv shows.

Went to church for a surprise party for our pastor. Lots of people talked about how great a shepherd our pastor is. And, you'd think I'm insane, but I adore my church. I seriously can look around that room and say that I love those people. Because they simply see each other as God's people. They believe deeply. They pray for each other. They care for each other. It's a beautiful thing.

Anyway. Yeah. good day.