Cement Girl

said tonight to someone online:

"um. Hm. It's a good thing I've only had 13 credits this semester, and a couple of my classes haven't been that hard. Because I've been so bogged down with thoughts this semester, it's absolutely crazy. I read two books that made me think so much. Both by Douglas Coupland: Girlfriend in a Coma and Hey, Nostradamus! ummm. I don't even know if I can put it into words. I've been thinking a lot about my purpose. What I want for my life vs. what God wants for me. Feeling sad about growing up (i just turned 21). Feeling conflicted about my convictions. Feeling the NEED to create something but nothing coming out. And so on and so forth. Wondering if I will ever, actually, have a significant other. wondering how that even happens. Because it has never happened for me, and I'm beginning to think that I am not even capable of having that. just a long list of things. blah blah blah I'm messed up. I guess I feel like I am stuck, and I'm not moving but I'm trying REALLY hard to move anyway. I'm sick of sitting in my dorm room doing nothing."

Today I was reminded of things. During chapel I leaned over to put my elbows on my thighs and just stared down at my hands. The only ring I wear is on my left thumb. A plain silver band that is engraved, four times around, with the word "Faith". Stuck inside the engraved letters is the paint we used to paint that house in Mexico. I have tried to get it out to no avail. That paint will not move. It is stuck there in "Faith". Faith without works is dead.