Cement Girl

where did the last 15 months go?

Did it go by so fast because I prayed to God that i would get over it quickly?

So many nights I laid awake what was going to happen next.

And then that slowly faded into not caring.

There is nothing that marks July to May. Nothing.

And i wonder what's going to happen next.

Dear God, please can i not have a school year like the last one? I don't want to be cold, unmoving and complacent.

And then there is the constant realization that He is all there is. He is life, love and why. He is why we sing, why we have friends, family and connections. He is the only reason worth living. He is the only reason for change. He is the only one i want to please. He is the reason I can be happy.

"Jesus you made a way for Moses
Can you make one for me now?"-twothirtyeight

The Beautiful Letdown
switchfoot

It was a beautiful letdown
when i crashed and burned
when i found myself alone, unknown and hurt

It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
and bitter down
I was trying so hard to fit in
until i found out

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song
where i don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown
When you found me here
And for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear

I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what i'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
And the rising sun
And our dark water plaent
still spins in a race
where no one wins
and no one's one. (won?)

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight
and set sail for the kingdom come.
Your kingdom come
Won't let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Easy living you're not much like your name
Easy dying you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list?
Easy living, PLease come on and let me down.

What a beautiful letdown
painfully uncool
The Church of the drop outs, the losers
the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown are we salt in the would?
Let us sing one true tune.

I guess i should write something about now.

It's really quiet around here this weekend. Quiet and hot.

I think yesterday was the longest day of my life. went to one class, lunch, sat around all afternoon. Really really boring.

Tonight Natalie and I are going to tacoma, though, for a concert.. that's two and a half hours of driving, well five really... so that should be fun.

I should be doing homework, but that is NO fun.

I can't really think of anything else to write. i watched pretty in pink last night with some friends, which was often interrupted because we were in the dorm lounge. I'll never do that again.

I'm am, in no way, a poem connesiour or however you spell it. I only read it occassionally.

But this. this...


Seth wrote it. And i adore it. I printed it off today to tape up on my wall.

I asked him who it was about, and he said no one.

and i wished it was about me.


Hold off the Philistine battle!
Stop all ye marching the war-ridden route,
Stop your carousing and gather about –
She’s spinning! She’s spinning! She’s spinning again!
She’s dancing and spinning! Miraculous blend
Of fairness and softness and flower-strewn hair,
So long and full curled and released in the air!
Catch all the brightness shone new in her face,
‘Hold, all the badness in living’s erased!
Surge the sweet-singing of memories lost,
Melted away like a summer day’s frost.
Fall in her whirlwind and catch her embrace,
Feel heaven and bliss fall like tears from her face,
‘Hold, all the badness in living’s erased.
New birth and new morning both drip from her tongue –
She’s spinning! She’s dancing! The healing’s begun!
See spring follow song on the ground her feet patter –
She’s dancing and spinning the cosmos together!
The wid’ning gyre ‘comes a powerless fable,
Noon follows night and death grows unstable.
Catch how the daylight reflects ‘gainst the earth,
How day follows day in perpetual birth!
And see her there – dancing – alone in the sun,
All this time dancing
Yet barely begun.

this is my day today.

I talked on the phone with a guy until 1:30 in the morning. I think we talked for about an hour or so. that was... weird. I slept in until 9:30. I think that is the most sleep I have gotten since early last week.

-had US History at 11:00. That went pretty well.
-went to lunch with Annette and Tai and Alina and thems peoples.
-went to the business office to get some things straightened out.
-checked mail. nothing. you fools.
-had Hum310 with Dr. Plies at 1pm. I love that guy.
-I did little errand things all afternoon. Talked with a boss about moving a girl into a different room, sold some books to people, made signs for a candlelighting party, fixed my planner, checked my box in residence life, etc. etc. busy stuff.
-dinner at 5pm with Tai, Stephanie, Tristan and Maria.
-leadership class from 6-about 7:45.
-hung with annette and Crystal "the black girl". we went to the boys dorms, i sold a book, etc.
-PA meeting at 9pm... to about 9:40. discussed schedules.
-and now i'm chilling.

i'm tired. luckily i just have one class tuesdays and thursdays. down time. i need to make a schedule to post outside my door.

i'm done. this year is going to wipe me out.