Cement Girl

I'm just beginning to come to grips with how awkward and weird this internet thing is. Staring at a "page" or "screen" with weird information on it. Communicating with other people through simple words. It's beginning to freak me out.

I know why i started being on the internet in the first place. I was a lonely ninth grader and the chatroom i was involved with was a safe community of believers. That fell apart a while later and now i just post around randomly on message boards, and have made some friends through that. Mostly, though, I think the internet is some sort of released for my problem with attention. I'm just beginning to realize how much of an attention problem I have. I hate being bored. I have to be doing something, and it has to be engaging my mind or else it's worthless. This is why I'm most comfortable when i have two internet explorers open, using both of them, and about three IM conversations going on. That is... ideal. Which is crazy.

Anyhow- so i'm reading someone else's blog... and he's saying nice things about me. I know people online who will say i'm a great person, or blah blah blah, whatever... And i'm just thinking about this. Then i envision myself getting up, putting on my coat and going back out into the "real world" where people don't know me. How depressing. It's this imaginary world i like getting caught up in, cause it makes me feel good, and validated, and i talk to people who actually know who I am as a person, and people who share a lot of the same interests as me. But then eventually I have to go back into Meghan-mode where i leave this comfortable dorm room and I am just "meghan scott" to everyone on this campus. Someone who doesn't talk out a whole lot, someone who is just different. That bugs me.

Mostly this probably bugs me because I found out last night that the current PAs kinda just gave their recommendations for PAs... just as common knowledge, who they thought would be good. Well- that kinda stinks for me because I only had two current PAs in my interview, and they have both been MY PAs, so they already know me. Nobody else got to hear what i said, nobody else got to know me. This is where the system is screwed. Because I don't know the other PAs- and they didn't get to hear my interview, obviously they're not going to pick me. What a mess. I just want people to know who I am.

"My fears have worn me out"-sf