Cement Girl

everything seems so weird. this weekend i've looked at my life and wondered how I'm going to fit in everything i want to do. instead of the usual worrying about what I'm going to do, i'm worried about what I'm not going to be able to do. Still, the two issues mingle together and i wonder if I'm going to end up doing the right thing or the wrong thing or what i'll be motivated by- loneliness or real desire for these adventures?

the last thing I want to do is to sit around and wait. however, i feel like if i'm off doing stuff then it won't happen. Lord knows I'd drop everything- all these other plans- to have what I really want.

My friends/roommates.. we're all the same. hopelessly single while caring about it and not caring about it at the same time. our polar opposite composite of a household lives across campus- where they're all engaged to be married this summer or soon thereafter. Them being our peers (ones we've entered college with) makes it seem all the more strange. I doubt that right now I'd really want to be planning a wedding and have such a definite future spelled out for me- i want that adventure and freedom, yet everyone who knows me knows what I really want- a home with a husband and kids to love and take care of.

it's just like how my heart feels torn between the US and Mexico... my heart wants two opposite things- stability, love, something to come home to, against the indepedence of discovery and myself.

Oh Lord, I need to figure this all out somehow. Please help me figure it out.