Cement Girl

I had a little scare last night. I went to the ER at 5am because I was having trouble breathing and I couldn't sleep. I had NO idea what brought it on. The fear instilled in me last night was so incredibly strong. It's one thing to be broken, to hurt, to have pain. It's quite another to really wonder if you could just die because you stop breathing. Needless to say- i did a little crying.

Anyway. I went to the ER. To make a long story short: they asked a lot of questions. They took xrays and blood tests. One test came back positive, so i took a CT scan to check for blood clots in my lungs. I got an IV. They couldn't find a blood clot on my lung, and they sent me home with an inahler just in case it happens again.

The weird thing is that they DID find six little spots on my lungs. The doctor said that a lot of people looked at it, including the radiologist, and nobody could identify what the spots were. Not tumors, not cancer, they would know what that looked like.

I entertained myself for four and a half hours by playing with my pulse-taking finger-holder, and making my pulse go up and down. I joked around with my nurses ("you're not going to sue me, are you?" "no, no. what's your last name, steven?"). I made my mom and dad call my work. I chewed off my nails which, for the last week, had grown so nicely.

I really feel fine about all of this. The doctors weren't concerned, I shouldn't be concerned. It wasn't scary at ALL until my mom was telling my brother on the phone and she said "no, not cancer or tumors or anything", and i began to think "what if it WAS?" and i began to remember my chaotic night of crying, debating with myself, and my hesitation to fall asleep for fear that i stop breathing. Scary.

But i'm fine! and i'm going to mexico. and i have an inhaler (which is weird), and i have this fatty purple bruise on my arm from where they took blood. cool.