Cement Girl

I finally got to cry about alison today. I had read about it a week ago... didn't cry. When i said something to April about it, i didn't cry. When i posted on vagrant i didn't cry. But today on the way to church in the park i dropped off my library books (my mom was driving) and got back in the car, and it just came out.

"there was this girl that i knew on vagrant.....She lived near here.....I met her once, i think, at a switchfoot concert.... When i got back from Mexico... i found out she committed suicide..."

I didn't think I'd get choked up... but when my mom asked "How old was she?" I couldn't get the words to come out...

and i waved my hands at my face like i do when i'm about to cry, but i don't want to.. and i said "i'm gonna cry..." and my mom said through tears "me too.."

So we cried together in the car.. for a life lost.. someone I hardly knew, someone my mom didn't know at all.

And all day i've been wondering those questions i'll never know the answers to:

Why does someone like alison feel so lost that she would take her own life?

Why do some babies like Hannah get the privilege to be born into situations where they are loved and admired, while some other babies never see the light of day because they are unwanted?

Why do some people survive crossfire and hell while others die while serving in the armed forces?

Why was I born in America, where my parents own a new house and i have the opportunity for a wonderful, beautiful education, while there are kids all across the world who cannot even afford to go to elementary school or go to the doctor, much less learn about Jesus.

Some things i'll never know.