Cement Girl

I think that spring break was orginally intended to give people a break off of school, to rest and relax. Didn't they know that when you get used to a week of that, you go back to school and don't want to do anything at all? Really, c'mon now. Don't do this to me. I still have six weeks of school left, and i really don't feel like completing any of it. I think this must be some unusual nasty cruel treatment.

I got the new Brandtson cd a few weeks ago, but fell in love with it Thursday while i drove over to my nanny job. The fifth track is wonderful. So i must quote it. Cause i feel like this lately:

"There's just too much to live for
to sit around this room, bored
wanting more, waiting for
something to knock on my door
here's to new beginnings
here's to something more
here's to you and your dreams
and everything you've worked
so hard for
here's to all the places
we've never been before
here's to summer tours
and hardwood floors
to you and your's"

Within the last few months I just feel so convicted that I'm living my life coldly. I've been waiting for something else to happen. Something to move me, and make me act. I've been waiting for that thing that i think will make me happy. I've got today now, and i'm sitting on my rear waiting for someone else to feed me information, to feed me a reason to get up off of it.

It is weird when you live in a community constantly. You are surrounded by people all the time. If there are not people directly around you, talking to you, there's probably someone down the hall laughing, talking. Or outside yelling to one another as they pass your window. And even if all is quiet on campus, you are always reminded that there are other people around. When you walk down the hallway to the bathroom and everyone has pictures plastered do their doors. The fact of actually sharing a bathroom.

So it's definitely odd when you spend a week by yourself, depending on yourself, not being surrounded by peers. Then you walk back on campus. I feel so different from when I walked off last Friday, when Spring Break started. So much happened this week. I went to two concerts, my niece was born. I spent a lot of time with my mom. I did things on my own. I did things because I wanted to. I wasn't interrupted when I wanted to be alone.

And so now i find it a little hard to talk to people. Becoming independent usually gets inerrupted by some act of involvement with other people. I have had so many people ask me "how's the aunt?" or "how does it feel to be an aunt?" today that i think i want to crawl up in bed and never hear it again. I don't know how it feels to be an aunt. I've held her a total of two times. I have done no aunt-type thing so far. And they're going to move away in three weeks.

Anyway- so i got really independent over spring break. Except for begging Tai to go with me to the map/kat jones concert. That was pretty dependent of me. So i don't know how it feels to be back on campus. It just seems like when i step back onto this campus again, i'm "just" Meghan, someone people don't see much of, or care much to see.

When you're out in the real world that doesn't so much seem to matter.