Cement Girl

This is just going to a be a stream of thoughts.

Things have slowed down somewhat, which is nice. The last couple of weeks have been hectic with schoolwork and yearbook, and activities.. and now it's slowing down, a huge relief. Even though I still have stuff to do, I'm not quite as worried, and I'm not running around. I got a chance to relax this weekend, and I needed that.

There are times when I slow down, and I look at my life and realize how good it is. There's a couple of things that i think are missing from my life, that'd i'd like to have, but obviously it's not the right time for them, and i can deal with that. I can finally deal with that.

I spent an hour or so on the phone last night with Nick. He's going through some pretty difficult times right now, with girlfriend, job and school, and he's feeling pretty out of it. It all led me to talk to him about my difficult summer, and how I really grew because of it. I came back to school this year with this clear, definitive view of who i am. And i cannot even explain how relaxing and comforting that is.

I'm not popular, and that doesn't matter. I don't have tons of friends, and that doesn't matter. I don't go to all the school activities, no that doesn't matter, mom. I take part in what i think is important, and that includes being a Knight, and being on the social action committee. I'm not about to put on appearances for anyone. I'm a big dork. I laugh at stupid things, and I'm sarcastic. I love the girls on my dorm hall. I love my music more than anyone knows. (I LOST MY FAITH RING!!!) I adore my car. My family is the most important thing.

I've made promises to myself, that I won't break. After stupid, stupid, ridiculous situations, I won't go after a guy. If someone is really interested, they'll let me know. From now on, i live for God and myself. I partake in things to better myself, not so that i can appear cool, hip, or intelligent.

Nick is stuck in a spot where he's not living. And i said that living was in your attitude. If you think you're living day to day, then you are. I remember last year, I was finding God in everything, and how beautiful that is. I told Nick that living was appreciating, and seeing things. It wasn't necessarily DOING what you wanted to be doing, but being for grateful for the air that you're breathing. Last year on campus the leaves were the most beautiful thing. Breathing in fall air is gorgeous. laughing with friends is liberating. Being yourself is freedom.

I remember saying in July that I had a life to live. I had put that on hold for pretty much half a year. Trying to be what i thought he wanted me to be. I stuck myself into a bubble, refusing activities and fun to talk to him. And it ended. And i lost that spring semester. True, I was still with my friends a lot, and I didn't lose them or anything, and i did participate in stuff, but i lost a lot of time i could've spent with them.

I'm Meghan. I won't answer to your expectations.

"And you're always wanting more
A stranger to the shore
You keep a watchful eye on the horizon"-Lewis