Cement Girl

2007-07-08T15:40:00.001-07:00

BAM!

2007-04-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

These

are my great-great-grandparents.

My mom just sent me this picture that she just received from her cousin. And searching through genealogy things online I found a record that states that my great-great-grandfather was born in 1864 in Joplin, Missouri. He died and was buried in Hannibal.

Reading things like Mark Twain makes me feel so far removed from this part of American culture (i live in the Northwest, where Lewis and Clark and the Oregon Trail is what we refer to as OUR history. Other history, like the Civic War doesn't seem like OUR history). This, however, makes it feel a little closer. Very strange and cool.

And apparently I come from hearty stock. Ha.

2007-03-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

It's getting warm. At least warmer. It's in the 50s and with the warmth comes familiar smells. The biting cold and wind of winter took those smells away. But now you can smell it again. The squid or larvae cooking at the street vendors, or that fleeting waft of sewage. Maybe the simple smell of our school building or the scent of a warm subway car. They're back. And most of all they remind me of the time when I arrived here.

It's been nearly six months, which is unbelievable and believable at the same time. But I'm restless. Mostly I'm restless because I feel like I am doing nothing. Tonight I realized (although I can't imagine why I didn't realize it before) that I am saying the same script, day in and day out, quite literally, while teaching. Our students use the same workbooks over and over and the format never changes. I am saying the same things today that I told my students in October. It's frustrating and defeating. I want out.

Stephanie and I started running again about a month ago, which at least eats up some time, four days a week. For now I've thrown caution to the wind and I don't even think twice about walking to the river in our workout clothes and undone hair. I couldn't care less what these people think about me.

The weirdest thing to me is that I don't know what I'll do when I go back to Portland. Yes, try to find a teaching job. But who knows? That has a big possibility of not happening. The actual weird part of this situation is that I cannot remember a time where I felt this up in the air about my life. Everything has always been: go to school and graduate. Even throughout the last year of college I knew I would be going abroad. And now I'll go back and have no idea. I'll also have no home, no car, no cell phone, no furniture. I am freaked out.

Sometimes we make plans for ourselves. We make grand plans and schemes and we forget to think twice. I'm 24 years old and I have no idea where my life is heading. For me, that is a very scary thought.

Did it ever occur to you that sometimes people leave because they want to be missed?

2007-02-24T00:55:00.000-08:00

The story of my life:

when life starts sucking, get lost in a book. it's an easy way out.

the only problem is when you look up from the pages and everything is the same as before.

2007-02-16T08:59:00.001-08:00

I don't know that I've ever hated anybody.

But I sure do hate some people now, and it's a very scary feeling.

Being made fun of by a group of middle school boys, who speak a different language, and having no way to stop them, is a disgusting feeling.

It took everything in me to not start crying right there in the middle of class. But I couldn't help my face from turning red.

I am dreading Tuesday. I just want to give up.

2007-01-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

You know what I want?

I want the typical American life. I want to teach elementary students, I want to have a little family and a little house. I want to make chocolate chip cookies for my kids, and go to football games on Friday nights. I want to visit with my family whenever I want, and have good friends around. I want Target and to watch movies, and to listen to music, and to go to a friend's bbq.

I want everything so typically American. And i feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for wanting it all.

2007-01-07T07:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am just so frustrated with everything. I want different everything and I'm upset about my current situation. everything about it.

and today i told myself to chill out. because i have jesus. i need to be more than grateful.

2006-12-31T07:51:00.000-08:00

The widest, longest blade of grass is most likely still bigger than the small valley in my heart. As I look back I understand that the events of that summer seem small and in reality have only shaped a part of what I am. Yet, I find the small things to be the most meaningful. Somewhere between June and September life fell into place. If it happened because of my own inevitable development, or the particular consequences of my situation, I'll never know. No one will know. June and September, like bookends or two pieces of white American bread packaged a piece of me into existance. Whiel I seemingly found myself, I'm sure that somewhere in Russia another young girl did the same. Or be it Belize, Zimbabwe, or the Phillipines. Life goes on. ONe realization after another, rolled into a big ball of being. And billions of those balls bouncing together in a great big ball orbiting the sun. My mother and father love me, this I know. I will grow old and maybe have babies. June and September, only a piece of who I am, and maybe only a trillionth of life on this planet. June and September happened because they had to, along with July and August. Maybe the occurances of that time happened because they had to as well.

Make believe and pretend.

Happy New Year, folksies.

2006-12-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

check.

i'm so homesick.

i'm so homesick that i even miss parts of california.

check.

check 1, 2.

2006-12-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

"You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
and he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first"
regina spektor

2006-11-29T01:19:00.000-08:00

Perhaps, in a generation where adventure, travel, and knowledge is the most highly regarded settling down is the new hip.

I'm going to rent myself a house
In the shade of the freeway
Gonna pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around
I'll go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
I'll get up and do it again
Amen.
Say it again
Amen.

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening?
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
When the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again
Amen.

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender.
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the Pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there

Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight

I'm gonna find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

I'm gonna be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
where true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the Pretender.
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender.

Say a prayer for the pretender
Are you there for the pretender?
Say a prayer for the pretender
Are you there for the pretender?
Are you prepared for the pretender?

2006-11-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

Non materialism cannot be cultivated simply by selling your things and moving to another country.

because even in a foreign place consumerism reigns supreme.

it's a constant check with the mind.

2006-11-19T05:17:00.000-08:00

I got the new mewithoutYou cd. Most of the time when I ride on the subway, it's underground, and you can't see anything. But yesterday I rode on a line that was close to the river, and above ground. So I rode along, watching the horizon and the buildings, and Seoul, listening to mewithoutYou. which was odd, yet quite fitting.

"I do not exist
I do not exist
I do not exist
Only You exist"

2006-11-15T03:26:00.000-08:00

I think wherever you are, shopping for boys is not easy. Shopping for women is easy. Jewelry, mirrors, fancy floofy things.

Men? not so much.

2006-11-13T21:21:00.000-08:00

Chalk it up for another sad song:
"Sweeter Than Me" By Aaron Sprinkle.

I ordered a few CDs on Amazon a couple weeks ago and spent a lot of money to get them over here. They arrived today! So happy. New CD of the Decemberists, mewithoutYou, the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack (I've wanted this CD since junior high), and Annuals' "Be He Me".

I'm terribly excited.

2006-11-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

Best love scene in a movie:
-Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo and Juliet". Not the actual make love scene, but seeing each other through the aquarium. Good God. The music, the visuals, the glances.

Saddest songs:
-Ben Folds Five "Brick"
-Chris Staples "American"

I will be adding to this list as time goes by.

2006-11-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

24=definite mid-twenties=old.

"i've been out walking
i don't do too much talking these days
these days i seem to think a lot about the things i forgot to do
and all the times i've had the chance to

i stopped my rambling
i don't do too much gambling these days
these days i seem to think a lot about the changes that came by my way
and i wonder if i'll see another highway

i had a lover
i don't think i'll risk another these days
and if i seem to be afraid to live the life i've made in song
it's just that i've been losing some love

and i've stopped my dreaming
i don't do too much dreaming these days
these days i sit on corner stores and count the times their quarter counts to ten
please don't confront me with my failures
because i have not forgotten them"

2006-10-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

all my friends and I are talking about lately is being a "grown up", and how are we supposed to grow up?

it's highly depressing. especially for a person who doesn't know where their life is going.

2006-10-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Somehow reading Flannery O'Connor's "Wise Blood" and listening to Neutral Milk Hotel's "In an Aeroplane Over the Sea" fit together really well. I think different continents, and perhaps a little different time period, but it sounds good together (the book in my head, the music externally).

I'm not quite sure how that works.

2006-10-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 4:12-16.

"could someone tell me how to feel, take heart be still, forget this ringing in my ears"-a.sprinkle

I don't know what it is, but why have I become okay with giving violent threats to my friends, even in joking? "Don't say anything or I'll slit your throat". ew meghan.

2006-10-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

i've begun to realize how there are different types of people who teach English overseas. Let me tell you about them.

a) the first kind of person is completely normal, and functioning. They've left their home country in order to travel and see the world, and at the same time teach English as a respectable job, in that they enjoy being with kids and enjoy teaching.

2) the second kind of person has problems functioning socially in their home country. they don't have much there, and so traveling allows them to start anew. They could travel for many years and be fine. they're a little on the odd side.

omega) the english teacher who likes to party and sees teaching English as only a way to subsidize the nomadic lifestyle that seems so cool. Usually these teachers complain about petty things, are trying to get the most money for the least amount of work, etc.

Can you guess which category Steph and I fall under? Can you imagine how many people we've met that fit those other stereotypes? It's definitely interesting.

We commented yesterday that those in our 20's group at church seem to fall in the "A" group, which really made us think. Why is it that all the young Christians we've met fall into this category? I said that it seems that our generation of Evangelical Christians has this crazy urge to travel, and not necessarily with a missionary mindset. Maybe all those missionaries we listened to growing up created a desire in us to just TRAVEL. Couple that with a bit of compassion and love, and maybe that's why we're okay teaching overseas.

Stephanie said to our director that she went to church. He seemed happy. We mentioned it to our 20's group and someone said that they thought Koreans had this idea that all foreigners are partiers. It's nice to know we've made such a name for ourselves, yeah?

2006-09-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

Reasons it will be good to go to Korea:

#5: not having to listen my grandmother expound on weight issues. Hers, mine, or anybody else's.

2006-09-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

Stephanie's leaving on Friday for Korea, and I will follow a couple of weeks after. I made a mix cd for her to listen to on the plane. A kind of "you're awesome, be brave, here's to new things" sort of mix.

1- Brave- Nichole Nordeman
2- Wake Up Early - Starflyer59
3- I Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
4- The Dumbfound Game - Fair
5- The are Night Zombies!!! etc. etc. - Sufjan Stevens
6- Ain't No Trip to Cleveland - Brandtson
7- Really Something - Aaron Sprinkle
8- A Favor House Atlantic - Coheed and Cambria
9- The Kindest Days - Aaron Sprinkle
10- Smiley Faces- Gnarls Barkley
11- From the Devil Himself- Viva Voce
12- On The Bus Mall- Decemberists
13- Declared, Bannered - Anathallo
14- Punchlines- Mates of State
15- She's Leaving Home - The Beatles
16- So Far Away - Carole King
17- Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay

For everything Korea, and other odds and ends, visit: Korea here we come!

2006-09-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Reasons it will be good to go to Korea:

#4: Perhaps in teaching English I'll learn how to properly use English. As in, catching the mispellings of "caucasian". Twice.

2006-08-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

Reasons it will be good to go to Korea:

#3: Full on push into the gigantic swimming pool of adulthood. Hopefully I won't drown.

2006-08-31T17:12:00.000-07:00

Reasons it will be good to go to Korea:

#2: No car means seeing more of the city.

2006-08-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Reasons it will be good to go to Korea:

#1: I won't have to be surrounded by young, married, caucasion couples. Or young, caucasion couples at all.

2006-08-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

It's a funny thing, being downtown. I'm hardly ever there, but I hear a lot about it. Over the last 5-10 years Portland has become this liberal-loving, music-making, art-embracing, book-reading, cycle-riding urb/community. That's what gets talked about. I'm not a part of it.

I drove downtown today to cash in on a sweet REI gift card that I received for graduation, and to visit Powell's. Parking at REI is easy- they've got their own small parking garage that's free. Parking for Powell's isn't so easy, and so i ended up in a creepy below-ground labrynth. I was praying to God that I'd find my car again. Or even find my way up to the light.

I used to be so self-conscious walking around downtown, like everyone knew I didn't belong there. Growing up we never ventured downtown, and now, living in the outermost suburb, I can understand why. What a pain to get there.

But now, I've sort of resigned myself to being on my own to do things like this. Try on fleeces by myself, look for books by myself, ask the staff for help many times. Banter with the cute check out guy. Or pretend like I could muster the courage to do that. And think of great banter in the car on the way home.

Ever notice how stereotypical a place gets? I love Portland, don't get me wrong, you all know that (you all?), but it's so funny at times how blatantly obvious everything is these days. I know exactly the type of people I'll see in the Pearl, on Hawthorne, in Gresham. And although I've never been there, a friend confirmed my suspicion that those at Bridgeport Village are exactly as I pictured them.

What's confounding me more these days is the predictability and utter stagnate nature of myself. I act the same, do the same things, think the same way. But, at this time, my life is like the Bermuda Triangle of activity. I feel like I'm doing nothing all day long. And I can't quit doing nothing.

The boy at Best Buy had never seen Bottle Rocket, nor heard of it.

"Good movie?" he asked.
"yeah... you should watch it," I responded.
"well, maybe I'll check it out," he added.
"Yeah, you really, really should. It's great," I had to add all of that, because I was sure he told everyone he'd watch the movies they inquired about.

2006-08-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure how to feel about this sort of thing. My grandma is passing away, and it's my grandma that I barely know.

Nobody tells you how to deal with this stuff.

2006-08-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm straddling this fence somewhere along the line. I know this is partially ridiculous, but I can't help it. I went to Tomfest, I like going to rock and roll concerts. I always wanted to be badass, and in high school that meant driving into the school parking lot with POD blaring. :) I got a tattoo, and though nobody can see it, I know it's there, and it makes me feel badass.

But I can't pull off badass. I like being sarcastic with kids, and I smile when they're sarcastic back. I like the library. I like station wagons. And yogurt. I'm going to be a teacher. I'd much rather pull off a music project, but I'll never get enough motivation or creative genius to pull that off.

Recently I'm shopping for "teacher clothes", but not just teacher clothes, but English institute teaching clothes. I bought an actual, genuine pair of dress shoes that are much girlier than the doc marten boots I wore all spring. I'm buying khaki pants, plain nicer tshirts, and wearing them every day. I look schooled in prepdom.

But, I bought a jean jacket, and I keep telling myself that the jean jacket is the ultimate "straddle the fence" piece of clothing. It can be rock and roll, and it can be preppy girl. I guess I might be able to do both. I'm so afraid of losing my youth.

As for a book recommendation, everyone should read "Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the Phenomenon of Christian Rock" by Andrew Beaujon. Pick it up here, and have fun. It's like someone watched the last 10 years of my life. These are the things I try to explain to my friends, and they look at me funny. They don't care that Ronnie and Jason are brothers, and play awesome music that nobody buys cause they're on tooth and nail.

but that's just what i think. and beaujon.

2006-08-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

just for you guys :) there it is. i'm in love with it.

2006-08-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

i actually did it. in a time where I feel like an adult, my parents aren't around to check in with. i'm doing this all my own -- and i got a tattoo.

2006-07-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

please do not assume that because I am not married and I do not have children that I do not have an issue with trying to balance my life. parents who live in a different country, family that live in a different town, hoping my car will make it through the summer, having to make appointments to hang out with friends, working, trying to get work and money, considering signing an overseas contract for a year, trying to spend time with people before I leave and teach in a foreign country.

yeah. i'm trying to balance things. i keep having to tell myself I can do this.

2006-07-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

It is hard to know where to start sometimes.

I am back in Portland, running the rat race that is an American life. I finally realized, while in Mexico, that I do love this country. I admit its shortcomings, its failures, its inabilities and its cockiness. But, I do also admit that I love it. As much as I like Mexico, I like America more. I am an American, and it's hard for me to walk away from it, as much as I've tried.

Again, everything in my life has changed, and I cannot point to a consistency. Everything is the up in the air right now, so much so that I feel some wandering because of a little lack of direction, not for the long haul, but for now. I'm trying to figure out my new role in my family, my new role in my friends, my new role as a career oriented woman, my new role in figuring out God.

I've realized as of late that I have to rely on myself. In high school I had no friends, and I was seriously blessed with great friends in college, but I've learned to depend on them. I have to get used to the inconsistency now. We're all changing, moving, doing new things, and I never adjust to change very well.

But, I've just made a large new purchase of a new computer and an ipod. It will will make me happy for a total of a week, and I will have spent all that money on what every American wants: happiness, fulfillment, a sense of being needed. All fleeting things, when looked for in possessions.

I'd like a little joy, please. i now know how good I am at feigning it all.

2006-06-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

My mother just called and we talked for more than a half an hour.

And of course I blubbered and cried like a baby. I haven't cried about any of this, and it just had to wait until an international phone call.

She said she admired my adventuresome spirit.

Right now I admire anyone with some stability.

2006-06-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

Someone posted this on their blog, and I stole it. It's just to write 6 weird things/habits about yourself, so here I go. Most of you already know this stuff.

1) I have grey hair. I have a nice streak of it right by my forehead, to the right of my part. I can hide it when I have my hair down, but when I pull anything back (like I've done now for quite a while) you can definitely see it. Most people assume I colored my hair, but it's definitely real. I first got it in high school, and it just keeps coming in. I refuse to dye it back to dark brown. Too much work and money.

2) About a quarter of my front right tooth is fake. I fell down in fourth grade, playing indoor soccer. My PE teacher told me I made a dent in the floor. I can still remember how it feels to have open nerve endings exposed. Ouch. In high school I accidentally popped the fake part off while I was flossing my teeth, getting ready to work at (drumroll) Dairy Queen. That was the only time I called in sick. Without that fake part I look like a hobo. I don't ever eat apples without having them cut first. In fact, one of my biggest fears is having this fake part pop off while I'm traveling overseas, or before a big event.

3) I'm a picker. I have realized that I am fairly obsessive about making things smooth and neat. I think this start when I was in preschool and my mom would put on my shoes for me, but I hated HATED the feeling of bunched up socks. I always stopped her to make sure my socks were pulled taut and then let her put them on. When I had long hair, and I pulled it back, it had to be completely smooth or I wouldn't wear my hair back. I pick at scabs, fingernails, sunburn peelings, and I know people have seen me trying to clean out my nose. I just want everything clean. I actually really hate this about myself and wish I could stop.

4) When I was 15 I went on a trip to England with my parents and just about that time they introduced the 2 pound coin in England. I got one, and have had it in any wallet I have owned for 8 years. I just realized that I don't really know why I've done that. Maybe because it's such a pretty coin.

5) I have a thing for Volvos, and it might be because I like familiarity. My first car was a Volvo, the second one was supposed to be an upgrade (four years newer, electric, AC, leather, wagon, diesel), and the third one I tell myself I bought out of necessity (too long to explain), but really I love old Volvos. And I name them. And I name them after Switchfoot things, which is why there was Augustine, Ben Hur, and now Willis.

6) I love milk. I don't know why. I just do. And skim. I really don't like drinking the other stuff cause I feel like I'm chugging fat. But.. I really love milk.

2006-06-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Luis asked me Wednesday night ¨¿Te gusta Mexico?¨ and I answered ¨¡Si!¨

He asked, then, why didn´t I live here for always. And I didn´t have an answer.

The lady at little tiny store by the church told me I was beautiful Wednesday night.

This morning she asked if were on vacation, and Stephanie told her yes, and that we graduated from school. Luvia told her we were teachers, and she said ¨¿cierto?¨. Stephanie said sometimes. I said we didn´t have anything more to do after graduation, so why not come to Mexico?

¨¿Te gusta Mexico?¨ she asked.

I nodded.

2006-05-31T13:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I sat in the upstairs room, covering a pinata with tissue paper, listening to Bob Dylan, and letting my mind wander. The free assocation went like this:

Bob Dylan-The 60s-Johnny Cash-Vietnam War-Watergate-Mom´s 8mm film of DC-Mom and Dad-Mexico-Korea-summer-tattoos-older brother-Oregon-nieces-skype-new macbook-lots of money-adulthood-growing up-my childhood... and so forth.

And then I started to cry.

standing on the edge of me i´m standing on the edge of me. standing on the edge of me, standing on the edge. standing on the edge of everything i´ve never been before and now i´m standing on the edge of me, standing on the edge... i´m on fire.

2006-05-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Another confirmed case.

I don´t know that I can take any more life changes right now, thank you very much. I don´t believe I could emotionally handle it.

2006-05-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Packing up and moving is hard when you don´t really have a certain place to move to. I moved out of Tabor House, and it was a big mess, and very frustrating. Where in years past I have moved out of campus housing and into my parents´ house, I couldn´t do that this time. I had to decide, while packing, what stuff goes into some kind of permanent storage, what stuff I want later on this summer, and what things I would take to Mexico.

So I tried to pack storage stuff first, and did fairly well. Then I packed summer stuff and I was proud of myself. And then I began to pack everything else and take it when me to Mexico, except I have ended up in Mexico with things that I have no use for in Mexico. This includes my big map of Portland, pantyhose I never use, my rain jacket, and, the funniest thing, my diploma, honor cord, and tassel from graduation. Someone will ask ¨why did you bring those to Mexico?¨ Why? Because everything else was packed up and I needed to put it somewhere... so I brought it with me to Mexico.

And in my rush to pack in about 2 days I left some things behind for my poor roommates to stare and and wonder what to do with, and try to ignore. This includes my accordion and accordion music, a winter coat, some crap downstairs, my coat in the closet, posters, furniture I didn´t know what to do with, and furniture I didn´t sell.

boo. things I have to deal with when I get back.

2006-05-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

I heard this recently, but I´m not sure where. I dno´t know if it was some short quip on tv, something I erad in a boko, or something a roommate said, but it´s been swimming around in my brain for a little while now.

No matter where you are, where you live, who you´re with, you will always miss someone or something.

I suppose I better start getting used to it, huh?

2006-05-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

right now i don´t really like Mexico. I don´t like sand. I don´t like the beach. I don´t like bicycles, the kids exhaust me and I´d rather stay in kitchen.

I thought, this afternoon, while pushing my bicycle home in between short rides, that maybe I could just go home. But then I remembered I don´t really have a home. I have lots of people I could stay with, but I have no home. To some that might seem cool, neat, an adventure.

To me it seems awfully scary.

2006-05-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

I´m not quite sure what I believe anymore.

oh God, I believe, please help me believe.

2006-05-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

Meghan's fashion advice:

When needing to look very put together, mature, and mainstream it is best to choose from the big makers. My outfit yesterday consisted of JCrew, Gap and Ralph Lauren in the form of cropped chinos, a button up pin striped shirt with cap sleeves, and a cardigan.

The best thing to do, however, when looking very cute and demure, is to funk things up a little bit. Wear some converse, black fingernail polish, and big ass hoop earrings.

Besides, the best shoe to wear with a graduation cap and gown are converse, anyway.

And the best friends to celebrate with are these ones:

2006-05-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

I just finally let myself cry about it. I was putting the very end part on a scrapbook about our house, and it just all came out. When you're working so hard to get a semester finished, and you're running around like crazy, you don't let yourself think about it. A myriad of reasons are behind this anxiety.

-I am leaving a place I have known as a home. More consistent than the churches I have gone to, and not subject to moving (like my homes), this college has been a part of my life for nearly all of it. It seems ridiculous but I grew up anticipating attending this college. We lived on campus when I was a small child, I sold lemonade in the faculty building, I scraped knees riding down the hill, and got dizzy rolling down the front lawn. I went to homecoming after homecoming, orientation barbeques, and new student retreats (which my mom said were cheaper to go to than staying home)... all as a kid not of college age. My grandparents have gone here, my mom went here, my brother went here, now I have gone here. I entered as a very shy, quiet freshman, and have developed leadership and independence skills I could not have imagined. oh sigh college, i really like you.

-I'm going to Mexico for 6-8 weeks and I leave next Wednesday. I have to pack up all of my belongings, mark them to organize this summer, throw it away, or give it away.

-At the end of my time in Mexico my parents will be moving down to the same exact place. I'll spend a few weeks with them, and then head back here. When I leave Mexico, and my parents, it will probably be the last time I see them for over a year. I love and adore my parents, and this will be so hard for me.

-I'm graduating! They're giving me a diploma AND a teaching license! It's like I'm an actual adult! All those frustrations of papers and projects and long homework weekends, and 410, and all of that... culminates into this? yes, please, i'll take it.

-i'm leaving my beloved house of roommates. we are truly awesome. I wrote in our scrapbook that it's for a good reason that we talk about how great we are- we are all friends, and beyond that we are friends who have lived together VERY peacefully for 2 years. How rare is that? Very.

let me say that it is often hard to reconcile the excitement for the future and anxiety of leaving the wonderful past behind.

"it's not the same without you around"-MoS

2006-05-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

I wrote this yesterday:

Life has been hectic in the last week. The timing belt on my car went out. I finished the solo-ing part of my student teaching, had my final evaluation, and got my letter of reference. I got strep throat on Saturday and although I showed up at school yesterday I only stayed for a couple of hours, and then came home. We had a party last night at our house (which poor Erica sat through), and this morning I'm still at home.

However, things do change. My car is fixed, I went to the doctor and got on some drugs, I feel better, and I had a phone interview a little while ago to place me teaching English in S. Korea.

And the guy liked what he heard (amazing), and said I was what they were looking for, and apparently now I'm in the Employers' File, and they'll search for a job for me.

It seems everything is happening really fast. I'm graduating on Saturday (my roommate says "i can't believe they're giving me a diploma!"), I get my teaching license fairly soon, I'm leaving for Mexico, my parents are moving to Mexico.

And i have to get all my crap out of this house. Hello dumpster.

And I'm kinda freaking out right now.

-------------------------------------------------

One of the most exciting things for me is to be able to tell this guy my experience in classrooms, my jobs, and my volunteer stuff (mexico, hot chocolate), and him sounding very impressed with it all. I can't believe that's the sort of stuff that makes employers happy- it's my life. These are the things I've decided to fill my life with- not because I was thinking of a future resume, but because these are things I've loved to do. And now it's magically paying off. That's pretty amazing.

2006-04-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

I read a blog by Natalie and it reminded me to write this, but I kept forgetting about it.

Sunday night we went to see Mates of State and Viva Voce play (I won't mention the other bands... ). Viva Voce is so great to see live. I'll be honest and say that I don't listen to their CDs THAT much, but their live performances are a sight to behold. Anita is a wonder on the guitar. We had originally gone just to see Mates of State, but when we found out VV was playing as well, we were doubly excited.

Mates of State performed last and I must say that I love them. Their infectious mix of melody and beat always gets a crowd moving. With a few exceptions, any song on the CD that sounds relatively low profile will be amped up live and you can't help but find yourself moving around. After their set (which included some oldies, thank goodness) they did an encore (expected), and sang the song about Utah (a cover, I don't know by who), another one of theirs, and "These Days", a cover of the Jackson Browne song that they only have available on a 45.

It was absolutely perfect. Kori plays, and Jason gets up to sing at a stand up mic. Listening to the lyrics, and being there with good friends, and seeing Mates of State, and thinking about everything that is happening lately made it a perfect combination. I'll admit that I got teary-eyed. When I glanced down at the wooden floor, my shoes, and saw the lights from the disco ball spinning on the floor, it almost seemed surreal. For some reason, this song means so much right now. And one of the best things to do is put it on the record player, turn it up incredibly loud, and dance around.

"i've been out walking
i don't do too much talking
these days
these days i seem to think a lot about the things i forgot to do
and all the times i've had the chance to

i've stop my rambling
i don't do too much gambling
these days
these days i seem to think a lot about the changes that came by my way
and i wonder if i'll see another highway

i had a lover
i don't think i'll risk another these days
and if i seem to be afraid to live the life i have made in song
it's just that i've been losing so long

and i'd stop my dreaming
i don't do too much dreaming
these days
these days i sit on cornerstones and count the times their quarter turns to ten
please don't confront me with my failures
because i have not forgotten them"

Yesterday was my last day of solo student teaching. You have no idea how good it feels to be done. I had my final evaluation and I actually passed. Next week i will be there for four days, helping out with some DRAs, conducting a small reading group, and observing other classrooms. It's hard to believe that the semester I have dreaded for so long is pretty much done, and done without any complications. My cooperating teacher said yesterday that it's great that I got through 5 soloing weeks without a single incident.

Next Saturday I graduate from college after 5 long (and short) years.

Right now it feels like everything is coming full circle. After my mom cried at dinner this week, I had to sing to her "well the times they are a-changing..."

2006-04-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

it is sad when your love life in your dreams is much better than real life.

2006-04-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

If you think that I could be forgiven, wish you would

Familiarity has many different owners. It has different locations, numerous predictors, and a variety of sentiments attached simply to the word "familiarity". It has a mixture of sentiment, memories, and emotions.

Familiarity is home and evergreens. It is rain and Mexican food bought at restaurants. It is a lot of pavement, gigantic grocery stores, and English as the primary communication. It includes selfishness and a struggle for humility. Familiarity means going to see Grandma at the Kaiser ER and Hospital. It means going to Target. It means a warm home to come back to, and a roommate that missed us. It means Powell's, and growing up in Southeast. It means seeing Mt. Hood on a sunny day.

Familiarity comes in different forms, though. Familiarity to me also means cattle grazing and golden fields. It means dark, crowded, sweaty venues with music much too loud for anybody's good, and walking to the car through a cloud of slightly blue smoke. It means the back of my jeans are wet. It means my car is much, much lower than my mom's. It means dust bunnies, too much stuff in the fridge, and still struggling with classroom management.

Another, more distant familiarity is home cooked Mexican food. That familiarity is surrounded by long drives, using gas station bathrooms, and the much anticipated In-n-Out. The actual familiarity of place means two lane highways with drop offs (and no driveways). Faded signs that are outdated, buildings that are vacated, and stray dogs. Homemade tortillas, struggling with communication, and worrying about lice. This familiarity means less showers, more sun, and clothes line dried in the Mexican sun. This familiarity is not home, but is so close it nearly feels as such.

Another familiarity includes not eating meat. A year ago today the Pope died and I decided to go vegetarian. How did I celebrate? I spent this last week eating meat. I know that's hypocritical, but Mexico is one of my outs, one of my "get out of jail free" cards, and I traded it in liberally. I actually can't believe it's lasted this long.

Familiarity is long and fast, slow and fleeting, near and abundantly far. Home is here, but familiarity seems to be all of the places, things, and people I love the most.

If I lived 'til I was a hundred and two...

2006-03-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

My parents sold their house a week and a half ago. I don't know if i mentioned that or not. They're not moving to Mexico until the end of June, but they have to be out Easter weekend, which is incredibly soon and I have to get stuff out.

So I ran errands today and went to my parents' house and picked up two boxes of stuff I had in their garage. I've been really dreading all of this moving business. The next few months will be incredibly hectic and chaotic. My parents moving out and moving in with friends, me moving to Mexico for a little bit, my parents moving to Mexico, me coming back for a little while, and then moving to S. Korea hopefully. Trying to organize a new permanent address, get things cleaned out of my parents house and start thinking about supporting myself sufficiently is a little stressful and adds a lot to all the school stuff I'm doing, plus working. I'm not complaining, I don't think, it's just a really interesting situation.

Driving home I realized that I was excited. For the past couple of months, and even the past 6 months or so when my parents announced their decision, I have been apprehensive about the changes, afraid of what might come next, fearing the loss of "home" and of losing my city (thinking that if I'm not here and my family isn't here that it somehow isn't mine anymore). I began to picture my parents moving out of their home, what that week will be like, and their new home base for a little while. It suddenly became clear to me that this was a good picture, one of renewal and strength and courage (cheesy, I know). A sense of hope that we can all do new things no matter our circumstances. It gives me a lot of pride to watch my parents do this, and without their knowledge of this, it gives me a lot of motivation to strike out on my own.

2006-03-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Things are mostly going okay.

But that thought doesn't count toward the fact that in this week I feel mostly upset about anything, something, everything.

I don't know what it is, but in my mind (not outwardly) I'm pissed off about it all.

Stay far, far away.

2006-03-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight I watched Annie Hall. Everything makes sense now.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last Tuesday I was making breakfast for myself. I got out a bagel, a dollar store knife, and went to work. I prepared the bagel and sat down at the dining room table. As I set my plate down with my right hand I noticed something red on the plate. I rubbed it with a finger, thinking 'someone didn't wash the dishes very well, there's jam on this plate'. But that red stuff was definitely thin and moved around when I touched it. I turned my hand over and found my right thumb covered in blood. I bandaged it for a couple of days, but then got extremely irritated with a bandage on my thumb and took it off. I thought it would be just fine, it was only a little sliver cut.

I don't know if it's from writing with chalk, or just not covering it up, but the cut seemed to get bigger, a wider chasm, a deep ditch. By Friday it appeared like one of those plastic coin purses we had when we were 7. Squeeze the ends and the opening gets a bigger, just big enough to put something in there. Friday I played the coin purse game with my thumb a lot.

And Friday a fifth grader threw up in class.

===============================================

last night my roommates and I had a bitch fest (very short and sweet, with one group yell) about the male species. why a nice, respectable group of girls like us can't get boyfriends is beyond me. I think I'm attractive, i have a sense of humor, I have good values, above average taste in art, i'm well-educated, I have good goals, I'm concerned about the world and keep in touch with current events. Whhyyyyy. Why not.

Maybe I am Annie Hall. I'm just not intelligent enough.

2006-03-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Why can't I be normal? Far too often I let my emotions get the best of me. Far too often I go into "pout" mode, which I think I conceal fairly well from others, but let's not kid ourselves- it's ridiculous. I'm not four years old.

Ever since about middle school I've had this fear that I will bug people or annoy people and just plain bother them. Because of this I don't pursue any sort of relationship, which includes even asking people to do something, asking a lot of favors, etc. If it's a Saturday night and I'm bored I sit at home. I don't call someone to ask if they want to do something. I hate it when people who annoy me are constantly around, I'd rather not annoy others. You know what this leads to? A lot of lonely Saturday nights and few friends. I even do this with my close friends I do have. I never want to step on toes. I never want to put someone in the very uncomfortable situation of saying "uh, i don't want to hang out with you." I'd rather not give them the opportunity.

I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and call it quits. My parents just sold their house, some stuff happened with my brother, my students were complete brats today. I'm approaching solo-ing in student teacher and i still fear that my cooperating teacher doesn't like me that much. I'm done. It's 9pm and I'm going to bed.

I'm a 23 year old stuck in a 42 year old PTA mom mindset and I feel like I can't properly socialize with my peers, properly teach a class, properly have any relationships, and on and on and on.

someone tell me when this is over.

2006-02-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

A friend has been giving me crap lately about my "PTA Mom" behavior. The glares, being excited about things going on at my school, etc. I'm sure my cookie making falls into this category, too.

I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. It drives me crazy. What kind of 20 something guy is going to be attracted to the PTA mom? Answer: They're not.

Besides, it's not what I really want. I don't want to be that.

Maybe I'm just already an old, crusty lady and I should just succumb to aprons, bake sales, and yelling at kids.

2006-02-24T22:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is with me lately but it seems like i'll be in the midst of a really great moment and just want to cry. and not tears of joy.

I have begun to think that sometime around now I should finally get what I really want. and what a terrible mentality this is.

while people were talking tonight i realized how much we base our existence and being on experiences. It is obvious that what we experience shapes who we are, but i don't mean the normal every day experiences. people were talking about places they had been, places they were going and all it developed into was 'oh wow, that's cool.' or 'so awesome!'. hardly any explanations or concern or questions about what it was really like. i felt like the people were creating a self out of places they had been. i know i do the same thing, too, and it bothers me.

maybe we're a generation that just aches for something exciting. we all want to be so different and thrilling. we want others to acknowledge us, our ambitions, our plans, our absurdity. we want to belong, but we want individuality. we desire relationships, but those relationships are often coated in formal conversations with no meaning. we want to search outside of ourselves, outside of our culture for something of importance. perhaps this is all just me.

someone made the comment the other night that a girl on the olympics was pretty "except she's an american". thus began a small discussion about why being an american automatically turns someone into something horrible and wretched. september 11th gave us a new breed of patriotism, and a new counter culture of anti-patriotism. While I don't think we're the best on earth, I do love my country. Just like many people around the world have a love for their country, I have one for mine.

i understand that being unpatriotic is now the new cool, and i fully understand the sentiment behind it. what i will not go along with is the idea that every american thinks they're badass and superior. why? because i know a hundred people who don't think that way. just as every muslim is not a terroist, every american doesn't have a stick up their ass. don't assume things about people. The worst thing you can do is prejudge someone for their looks, their interests, their hobbies, and what country they're from. including your own.

on the way home tonight i stared out the window and after a while i became cognizant of the fact that i was trying to take in everything i could out of that little car window. the lights meshed together and everyone chattered away. i got the creeping feeling of loneliness. not sad loneliness, but the feeling that i am very much a lone, singular person is a very, very big world. in a few months i shall be set free. i will most likely flutter my wings for quite a while, and hopefully i will eventually gain stability. here's to having no idea where i'll end up.

2006-02-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

my butt is having problems this week:
*the other night in the cafeteria stephanie hit it REALLY hard
*running makes it sore
*i tried to ride graham's skateboard in the house. i made it around the corner once and tried to do it again and fell on my butt really hard
*stephanie hit my butt AGAIN last night while we were in a fist fight.

2006-02-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

i forgot a few things about running. I forgot:
it gives me tiny blisters on the tips of my toes
i always scratch my right shoe on the inside of my left ankle
my face turns beet red
how i get to think about everything while i'm running. this girl can't afford an ipod.
i also forgot how good it makes me feel.

_____________________________________________________

please. nobody else ask me if I'm a parent of a student at my school. And especially don't ask me if I'm the parent of a fifth grader. Do i look that old?
______________________________________________________

Last night we had a party and had a wonderful time. at one point i sat in the middle of the living room and stared off into space, and for some reason I just wanted to cry. I really have no idea why.

2006-02-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

The thing I think about the most often is Mexico. i keep having dreams about it. I keep planning what I'm going to do when I am there. I keep bringing myself back to the feeling of living there: the places I frequented, the smells, the people, the sounds, the food. I think that I could walk a few dusty blocks to the internet cafe, spend an hour there, go to the grocery store, and then back to my place. I'm thinking of rolling hills and bright sunny days. I think of sparkling eyes of children. Every time I hear one of my fifth graders speak Spanish my heart hurts a little bit. Drinking from a nalgene all day, not taking showers, hanging up laundry to dry, writing in a journal consistently, being alone in my thoughts. I miss those things.

I have a countdown going on my cell phone.

I really don't like to complain, but can I do it just this once? The other thing pressing very heavily on me is the fact that I'm really tired. I'm student teaching, and right now I'm not even doing anything for it, and I'm tired. I'm there all week, and I'm working weekends. I have to work weekends to pay for Mexico and groceries and electricity and gasoline. Working weekends means I miss out on the things my friends are doing, and I'm just really torn. I try to pass it off nonchalantly like "oh, i just gotta pay bills", but usually the last thing I want to hear about is all the fun everyone had without me. Why can't everyone else have to work, too? There's only so much time left to be doing these things with these people, and I have to make money. On top of all of this, a friend got on my case the other night about not having health insurance, and the last thing I want to think about is one more thing to pay for each month. I'm not even paying all the things I should be paying! Dear Lord, I can't stop thinking about it. It really took all I had in me to not burst into tears the other night when the friend brought it up. This is what makes me tired. I wish I could be everywhere at once, doing all the right things.

As much as that all is the very truth of what I feel, I can't help but think I should just slap myself for throwing myself a pity party. My life really is good, I'm just stressed.

2006-02-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

I really, really, really want to go to Europe.

My professor brought pictures of his trip to London and Holland and I just want to go there.

2006-01-28T00:51:00.000-08:00

I thought I knew all the places in the world I wanted to visit. I thought for sure that I knew which places I had no desire to visit.

I watched some cheesy game show about answering trivia questions in a cab in NYC and now I really want to go there.

For some reason the biking paradigm in Holland and their lifestyle really interests me.

After hearing 5th graders give speeches about Europeans coming to the new world I now want to visit all of the Atlantic seaboard, especially Roanoke Island.

In other news I wish people would get over the fact that it rains in Oregon. Yes, it rains. It rains a lot. That's why our part of the country is so green and beautiful. Stop complaining. I'm sick of all this stupid talk of "all the horrible rain". Did you think this was Southern California?

in other, other news I get to see my girls this weekend. We shall drive through much, much new snow to Southern Oregon, spend one night, drop off my dad, and my mother and I shall drive back the next day in much, much new snow. I'm terribly afraid, but if I shall die, I will have died having just seen my beautiful nieces. Praise Jehovah.

the end.

2006-01-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

2005

I realized the other day that even though I'm pretty sentimental and reflective I haven't written anything about 2005 as a whole yet. I know I'm really predictable and I feel like such a dork for doing this, but I need to.

2005 was an incredibly odd year, and not just because it's two thousand and FIVE (bad, bad joke). I ended 2004 in a Christmas break anticipating 3 months in Mexico. I spent the first couple of weeks in January making too many trips to Target to stock up on things and hanging out willy nilly (yes I just said willy nilly) with my friends who, unfortnuately, had to start school. I spent one last night hanging out with a few close friends at a resaturant, and I said goodbye to my Rainier house lovelies. I drove away that night crying. My parents drove me to Mexico, stayed for a night, said goodbye and left me there in my own tiny apartment.

I cried a lot that night. I knew that staying and working in Mexico was something I desperately needed to do, yet I was scared. I don't think I knew what I was scared about, because I'm pretty sure I didn't realize for a week that I was 1000 miles away from anything familiar. I spent the next 10 weeks pushing kids on swings (empujame, americana!), eating lots of beans and rice and tortillas, and spending a lot of time by myself. I had so much alone time, it's incredible now to think how I lived such a simple life with books, a guitar I didn't really know how to play, a piano, and a journal. I completed two independent courses and learned more about the history of Mexico and the development of children than I could probably learn in any classroom.

I came back and many people asked "did you have a good time?" and I would smile and nod and say "very good." but the questions never went beyond that. Sometimes I would start talking all about it but I could tell that the person who asked began to wonder why they even asked in the first place.

I cam back and lived with my parents, worked, and then moved into Rainier house. Of course then a couple weeks later we moved to Tabor House and found ourselves amid boxes. It was my first summer living on campus, with my friends, and it was awesome. Here's a lesson for everyone: If you set a goal for yourself, and live in a way to make that goal into being, it will happen. Tabor House decided we needed ample seating because we were going to be popular this year. "We are going to be popular this year" we stated proudly. We like to think we've seen this into fruition.

This summer I also met a family to nanny for who is just awesome. John was 4 months old when I started watching him, and hearing his mom saying confidently "we are so happy we found you. we trust you so much" is a thrilling thing.

Classes started in August and I had to stop playing around and get down to serious business with school work and pre-student teaching. A work sample is actually not that hard. Teaching science to third graders is. Especially experimental, hands-on science. I was extremely nervous walking into that classroom. I hadn't spent a good amount of time in a classroom since the Spring of 2004. I turned into Ms. Scott. I also turned into an accordion player thanks to Natalie. I used to make fun of accordion players. Now I have so much respect for them.. it's hard! I can't believe that of all the instruments I've tried to learn the accordion comes to me pretty naturally and easily. It's actually kind of creepy. I would have never chosen the accordion.

Something happened this last fall with my faith that I'm not sure how to explain. We started our small church, which functions like a small Bible study. We're all very frank with each other and we started asking a lot of questions and exploring the Bible. Everything kind of threw me for a loop and paired with the decision my parents were making, to move to Mexico, I spent a lot of time crying in late September through October and some of November. I can't even explain the emotions behind the Bible stuff, but although I've gotten past the frustration and crying, I'im still very confused.

In early December my second niece, Dana, was born. I wasn't there for the birth and didn't get to see her until Christmas. I spent a glorious few days with her and my other niece (and oh yeah, my brother and sister in law as well). I think the most magical 30 minutes of my last year (or life?) were spent in the early morning with 2 1/2 year old Hannah waking up and coming to snuggle with me on the couch. She reached out her hand to my cheek and said "I like you". As I laid there pretending to sleep she stroked my cheek as a mother watches over a baby. I nearly started crying.

I look back on how I ended 2004 and compare it to how I ended 2005, and I'm in awe of what has transpired over that time. The books I've read have opened up so many things to me. I've made a bunch of new friends.

Sometime in the last year I've changed a lot of plans for my future. Sometime in the last few months I wrote about how number 1 choices on the "Goals for life" list get pushed to the second place spot. I wondered if the number 2 choices become number 1 choices because number 1 choices are no longer desirable or attainable, or because number 2 choices become that much more beautiful. Maybe both. Maybe neither. Last January I was sure I was graduating and teaching in the Portland area, with my family surrounding me. My parents have decided to sell everything and move to Mexico, my brother enlisted in the Air National Guard, I might be teaching overseas next year. Portland will always be my hometown, but in the future it may not be my home base. My next 5 or 6 months will be spent trying to pare down my belongings to fit into a huge rubbermaid container and store in some extraneous closet. Everything's happening so fast I'm not sure I can keep up.

2006-01-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all of his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then-the glory- so that a cricket song sweetens his ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and the dapping light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished. And I guess a man's importance in the world can be measured by the quality and number of his glories. It is a lonely thing but it relates us to the world. It is the mother of all creativeness, and it sets each man separate from all other men.

I don't know how it will be in the years to come. There are monstrous changes taking place in the world, forces shaping a future shose face we do not know. Some of these forces seem evil to us, perhaps not in themselves but because their tendency is to eliminate other things we hold good. It is true that two men can lift a bigger stone than one man. A group can build automobiles quicker and better than one man, and bread from a huge factory is cheaper and more uniform. When our food and clothing and housing all are born in the complication of mass production, mass method is bound to get into our thinking and to eliminate other thinking. In our time mass or collective production has entered our economics, our politics, and even our religion, so that some nations have substituted the idea collective for the idea God. This in my time is the danger. There is great tension in the world, tension toward a breaking point and men are unhappy and confused.

At such a time it seems natural and good to me to ask myself these questions. What do I believe in? What must I fight for and what must I fight against?"

-East of Eden, by John Steinbeck, 1952

I read this over and over and over again last night.

2006-01-21T09:05:00.000-08:00

This is from Wednesday:

some days are better than others

last night I told Stephanie when we retreated to our bedrooms that if I should ever oversleep or should my alarm not go off, could she please wake me up when she got up? Well, I jinxed myself because this morning I awoke to Stephanie saying 'Meghan? Meghan?"

"What time is it?'
"It's 6:17"
"holy mother!" and I jumped out of bed.

Thus started my morning. So I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, ironing pants and eating breakfast and making lunch and definitely not taking a shower. I was so proud of myself when I was ready to go by 6:50. Except then I couldn't find my keys. And after searching frantically for ten minutes (with it being 7am, the time I'm supposed to be at my school) I called my dad who was just coming to work here, and who has my extra key. Lucky me.

I got to school and realized there was mud all over the bottom of one of my pant legs. So it goes, huh? The rest of the school day was fine, but boy, was that an awful first hour to my day.

I came home, entertained myself for a little bit with my accordion, and then headed to class. went to dinner, and went to church, and I just got home. I'm tired.

We're reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster for church, and this week's reading was about prayer, a subject that I'm very uncomfortable with because I'm utterly confused by it, I don't know that I want to pray, and I don't know what praying does, and I guess I'm okay with answers like "well, it opens you up to communication with God", but I still struggle with the whole idea of it. Alright. Truth=I'm not okay with answers like that.

Of course this was following our group prayer time in which I prayed out loud about Iraq and hostages civilians on both sides and people I know whose husbands are being sent there, and just asking that our servicemen act with integrity and with actions bent toward peace. And I cried it front of everyone.

It's all so confused in my head. All of it. Teaching fifth graders, discussing Iraq, trying to figure out prayer. They all fit together somehow even though most of the time they seem like completely different and remote things. It's just one of those days.

"Sixteen military wives
thirty-two softly focused brightly colored eyes.
Staring at the natural tan
of thirty-two gently clenching wrinkled little hands.
Seventeen company men
out of which only twelve will make it back again.
Sergeant sends a letter to five
military wives as tears drip from ten little eyes.

Cheer them on to their rivals,
'cause America can, and America can't say no.
And America does if America says it's so, it's so!
And the anchorperson on TV goes
"La-di-da-di-da."

Fifteen celebrity minds,
leading their fifteen sordid wretched checkered lives.
Will they find the solution in time,
using their fifteen pristine moderate liberal minds?
Eighteen Academy Chairs,
out of which only seven really even care,
doling out the garland to five
celebrity minds, they're humbly taken by surprise.

Cheer them on to their rivals,
'cause America can, and America can't so no.
And America does, if America says it's so, it's so!
And the anchorperson on TV goes
"La-di-da-di-da-di-diddy-diddy-da.
La-di-da-di-da-di-diddy-diddy-daaaa."

Fourteen cannibal kings
wondering brightly what the dinner bell will bring.
Fifteen celebrity minds,
served in a leafy bed of sixteen military wives.

Cheer them on to their rivals,
'cause America can, and America can't say no.
And America does if America says it's so, it's so!
And the anchorperson on TV goes,
"La-di-da-di-da-di-diddy-diddy-da." -the decemberists

America is so weird.

2006-01-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

the summer of 2002 i worked for my cousin in Long Beach, Washington. he runs a deli there at the beach. i stayed in his house with his family, sleeping in until 9:30, getting up, and working from 11 until 8 at night, 7 days a week. sometimes i had the afternoons off and i would make trips to the peninsula library. i would get ice cream, walk around shopping, and take my small cousins to the playground to bask in what little warm sun graces that sea hugging land. one day when a refrigerator malfunction caused us to close on a sunday I spent the whole day in Astoria by myself, turning in pictures at Fred Meyer, shopping at a hippie store, and seeing a movie by myself (don't ever rent U-571). that summer i made big decisions, broke a heart, had my heart broken, and rebuilt everything. somehow i became a little more independent. the friend i saw the most was Natalie, which was a total of 2 times over the summer. i discovered two of my favorite books that summer (to kill a mockingbird and poisonwood bible). i discovered new music that made a soundtrack to hazy, breezy, alone days, and dark, cold, solitude nights. i drove my volvo, willis, to kingdom come it seemed, with all the miles I put on him. i began to know i-5 and hwy 30 like the back of my hand. that summer after my freshman year of college i had my own real college experience, learning from life lessons, and living away from my family.

that summer i walked into a small Long Beach jewelry shop and picked out a toe ring. Three and a half years ago I put that toe ring on and never took it off.

this morning in the shower it broke in two. i was dismayed. I threw it in the bathroom trash like a used tissue.

somehow it seems that i should have given it a funeral of sorts. maybe this is it.

2006-01-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

2 headed boy
put on sunday shoes
and dance round the room
to accordian keys

2006-01-14T00:41:00.000-08:00

the other day I got Neutral Milk Hotel's "In an Aeroplane Over the Sea" in the mail and I put it in my car cd player tonight.

Tonight at my job I watched Coldplay on Austin City Limits, and Michael Stipe was a guest, and they played "Nightswimming".

I once loved a boy and he loved me, too. I fear this sort of thing will not happen again.

I think the beautiful thing about resigning yourself to something is that perhaps other, more important things become more clear.

resign resign resign.

2006-01-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

well, i've made it through two days of student teaching, which might be solely attributed to the fact that I haven't really done much yet. Mostly observing and just helping out around the class. The night before our first day Stephanie (who's at another school), and I couldn't sleep. So needless to say last night we slept like babies.

Today I got so excited during math. The kids were working with polygons, angles, lines, etc. and they were trying to figure out the angles of polygons. I got so excited because I figured out how to do one when I had no idea to begin with. After helping one student (and getting excited helping him) I moved on to another pair of boys and when I found out they were working on the same problem I just figured out. I said "ooO! I love this one!" and the boy looked at me like I was an alien. ah well.

So i sat there during the read aloud of "Tuck Everlasting" and thought to myself that I already knew this was a great group of kids and that I was really looking forward to teaching them for 4-6 weeks by myself. I'm scared spitless, but this is what I've been waiting for. I feel like a teacher and I swear that is the best feeling in the world.

"standing in the shadow of what
you were waiting for
you are older now"-aaron sprinkle

2006-01-02T21:47:00.000-08:00

tonight stephanie drove us downtown and we listneed to sufjan. i stared at the buidings and scenery and surroundings realizing that tomorrow i start student teaching. That I'm doing a normal work week and when it's all over I will have graduated. I am extremely nervous, but also excited for the end result. Here goes nothing.

2005-12-27T11:15:00.000-08:00

do you ever do things just to prove something. And not so much to other people, but just to yourself?

I can like who I am because I am an okay person.

I can spend 2.5 months in Mexico by myself because I am independent.

I can learn the accordion because I am smart and capable.

I can teach overseas because I am an adult.

prove, prove, prove. only to myself.

2005-12-25T23:21:00.000-08:00

i like my friends. i pondered this through the sermon today.

april and i have history and i like how we can just talk to one another about anything. natalie and i have history and I enjoy our shared perspectives on social issues and love for music and weird humor. I also love my shared passion for mexico and people with stephanie, and I love how she seems really quiet for the LONGEST time, but no-she's loud! I adore Amanda's relationships with others, her ability to listen intently and understand, and her consistent snide remarks, in fact.. i LOVE those snide remarks. I like that Matt's sense of humor that I can play off of and the way he lets me call him a bastard and say mean things to him and he lets me get away with it. I like the way Tracy and I are becoming better friends and I'm happy about the things I can share with her and the things she can share with me (it took us a little while, didn't it Tracy?) And I'm actually okay with the bad time that Graham gives me- I wish more people would give me a hard time.

Overall, they are a great group of kids. And I do mean kids.

Today during the sermon the pastor asked where we would be in 7 years and I looked at April, gasping, pretending to gag, and said "I'll be 30!" how gross.

2005-12-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

I ran around with my mom today doing errands. Well, mostly errands. She took me by the Salvation Army just to see a couch she thought was so cute. I ended up buying a pair of much needed jeans for 3.50. I was going to buy new ones before new glasses wiped my checking account out, so that was really a relief since I've been wearing the same jeans day in and day out. We went to lunch at a nicer place my grandma used to take me when I was young- we met my dad, grandma, aunt and uncle there. It was really unimpressive for everyone. I had a veggie sandwich that was so bland it made me wish I was Quiznos or something. Guh, it was bad.

so here are some random pictures. New glasses:

playing the accordion at Thanksgiving. the niece is in awe, i'm sure.

here's where I get my sense of humor from: my mother. She says "stand in front of this because it's cute, and it's funny for you to stand in front of it". Okay mom. Then i try to act like she's stupid but realize I'd do the same exact thing to my friends.

2005-12-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

nothing irks me more than when people talk crap about my dad. I'm sorry you've made your campus house into a shithole, but my dad's job is to make residences livable for the next people. That means he has to inspect your house. If there's anyone to blame for what you've done to your house, it's yourself. You're an imbecile if you think that the school has money to fix the shit you've done to the place. paying to rent a campus house is like paying to rent off campus, and I don't think you'd treat an off campus house the way you treat the one you live in now. Welcome to the real world, where you have to pay for your mistakes.

and people wonder why my dad is retiring early and heading to mexico. I can't say I blame him, and I'm ready to be done with the place as well. Maybe i'm sick of the people at my school, or maybe I'm sick of my peers in general, who act like the only person that matters in the world is self.

2005-12-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

I think perhaps because I didn't have good friends when I was in high school that I make way too much out of the friendships I have. Or that when I hang out with people and we have a good time I get too many warm fuzzies. And I attach too fast or something. And I just wanna be best buds with anyone who will pay me any attention. or something. Or maybe it's the opposite- that I know in a half a year I won't have these people around, or any close friends for that matter. I'm trying to hold so dear and cherish everything and it seems like it's all slipping through my fingers.

And in all the fun we have I wish I could talk to someone about everything. I am so confused, so unstable. I told God to fix it and he hasn't.

2005-12-17T22:24:00.000-08:00

when I was young i thought portland was so huge. when I was 18 and 19 i thought Portland was just about right- I was still discovering it. Now it seems so small. it's very strange to know how to get around nearly every part of it. it's so, so small right now.

2005-12-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

ooo i've about had it. i'm nearly rear ending cars, i let john scratch my face today because i wasn't paying attention, and i can't think of anything else but this. i hate it when this happens.

'get off your ass before you go'-mOs.

something completely different: I was beginning to get money in the bank from working this last week, building up something there, and i accidentally broke my glasses (ha- like i'd do it on purpose). So i got to take a nice trip to the optical center at Freddy's and buy new glasses. Luckily I am bargain shopper and they were having some great deals, but 195 bucks later and i'm getting new glasses. As much as I wanted new glasses, I really couldn't afford them now. Starflyer, I know 20 dollars bills won't do much, but right now I could use some.

2005-12-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

yo yo yo! new girl in the house!

Dana Christine, born early Friday morning. Here are two Scott girls ready to take on the world, and I say "daaang that baby look like her daddy".

2005-11-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to see Starflyer 59 play in Vancouver with Matt and Stephanie. I told them on the way home that it was this weirdy, creepy feeling watching them play. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but you know how music takes you back sometimes?

My brother convinced me to buy "Gold" by Starflyer when I was in middle school. I think it was part of some great master plan on his part because I couldn't stand the fuzzy noise and the cd ended up in my brother's collection. But I grew up with that sort of background noise because my brother listened to it. I also watched GRock in high school and they played the "Housewife Love Song" video all the time. My freshman year of college I downloaded some Starflyer songs like "All My Friends Who Play Guitar", and went to see them play that fall. I was bored.

But this summer I've rediscovered Starflyer on my own and love it. Last night at the concert it felt like some underlying foundational noise to my life was right there before me. In the past I've never really listened to Starflyer on my own, but somehow that rock and roll seemed to be something that's been a big part of my life for a long time. That classic Starflyer sound doesn't leave. I told Matt last night that I can still hear the songs from "Gold" although I haven't listened to it since I was 14.

And so I stood there thinking of all the rock and roll I love. It just reminded me of my brother, who got into that music, and by my admiration for him, passed it on to me. It's funny how you discover things, fall in love, and make them your own issues, concerns, ideals, and lifestyle. Funny how that is.

2005-11-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

Well, we had an interesting night at church on THursday, which involved talking about canonziation. Now I'm very confused, very upset, and completely lost. Some of you might say that it's about time, or 'why hasn't this come to you before?', when it reality it has, but I think the idea of a mixed up and almost futile Bible has just stayed in the back of mind. If it was in the forefront I knew everything might come crashing down. But, now it's in front of me and I have to deal with it somehow, in some way. I'm almost ready to give up the fight.

It almost feels predictable. Here I am at 23 now, questioning what i knew, what I know, and what I want to know. I am about to graduate from college, step out into a life of independence, and I'm questioning everything. Hello- welcome to the stereotype of Generation Y. Nice to meet you.

2005-11-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

Two completely different trains of thought on this All Saint's Day:

Today is my 23rd birthday. I look back over the past year and marvel at how much I have learned, how much I have stretched myself, how much I have grown in these circumstances. A year ago I envisioned my life after graduation. Now, a year later, I am envisioning something completely different. I have changed many of my beliefs, created a new lifestyle for myself, and have had the time of my life with my friends and family. I am incredibly blessed, or incredibly lucky, however you want to view it. At 23 I have discovered that I am becoming much more girly than I ever thought I would be. Earlier this year I finally got a stylish haircut for the first time in my life. I bought some big ass hoop earrings a few weeks ago that I wear occassionally now, and yesterday I painted my nails (albeit black) for probably the first time since I was 14. The times are a-changin'. Many times that is scary, but right now I am excited.

------------------------------------------------------------

Last week, when it was announced that the 2,000th soldier died in Iraq, my third grade teacher told the class about it, using the bar graph on the front of the paper as a very small lesson about how bar graphs are used. The deaths were separated by month, dating back to the Spring of 2003 when it began.

And I sat there and marveled that this has gone on so long. I distinctly remember when this all began and Natalie and I sat in our sophomore dorm room trying to make sense of any of it. At the time I thought (and said) "but don't they know more than us? Isn't this for the better? Saddam is so evil." I trusted and trusted over and over again. Natalie and I sat and pondered about the state of our world and the government we trusted. Now, two and a half years later, I don't see an end and I'm not trusting anymore.

So many of us were raised to respect and admire the United States. World power, a model of freedom, liberty, and justice. But look at us now. Or look at us in the historical span of time. Why can't we have people in power who are honest, merciful, and really, truly just? I laugh at the notion that this is some Christian nation. Because if this is a Christian nation, then don't call me a Christian. I am tired and fed up with our selfishness, our pride, and our egotistical stance that the world revolves around us. I am so tired.

2005-10-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

God bless you, Rosa Parks.

2005-10-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I went and saw Coheed and Cambria, the Blood Brothers, and mewithoutYou. And the mwY set was like church, I literally started crying. A song of unity, sung with passion, sung in front of a whole bunch of kids who probably couldn't care less about God. I was so proud of these guys.

"Why burn poor and lonely under a bowl.
Under a lampshade or on the shelf
Beside the bed where at night
You lay turning like a door on it's hinges?
(First on your left side, then on your right side, then your left side again)

Why burn poor and lonely?
Tell all the stones, we're gonna make a building.
We'll cut into shape & set into place or you'd rather be a window,
I'll gladly be the frame reflecting any kind of words.
We'll let in all the blame
(And ruin our reputation all the same)
Never mind our plan making,
We'll start living......anyway,
Aren't you unbearbly sad?
Then why burn so poor and lonely?

We'll be like torches - We'll be torches together!
With whatever our tattered Dignity demands
Torches together, hand in hand

Why pluck one string - What good is just one note?
Oh, one string sounds fine i guess....We were once 'Our Notes',
We were lonely wheat quietly ground into grain
(What light and momentary pain!)
So why his safe distance, this curious look?
Why tear our single pages when you can throw away the book?
Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?
Strum the guitar!
With no beginning, with no end
Take down a guitar and strum the guitar if you're afraid,
And I'm afraid and everyone's afraid
And everyone knows it but we don't have to be afraid anymore
You played the flute but no one was dancing
You sang a sad song and none of us cried"-mewithoutYou

Also, Co&Ca have some mad guitar skills.

2005-10-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

"You wanna know which way to go. Who's going to want to follow you now?"-viva voce

It's already October. The leaves are turning, and I can think back to all the plans we had for summer, when school seemed so far away. Now the school year is already more than a month underway. The days pass so quickly, and I can't figure out if I like that or not. I know I'm not really that old, but I'll be turning 23 soon and I can hardly believe it. That fact, along with the last month passing so quickly make me think death is soon ahead. I certainly don't feel 23 or act 23, but sometimes I think I might pass for 23.... only when I have on teacher clothes and large hoop earrings.

What did you want 2 years ago 4 years ago? 6?

It seems there are always a number of life choices one has. My mind is in transition from really wanting my first choices to slowly accepting and desiring my second ones. I can't figure out if I'm wanting the second choices because the first ones never materialized, or if I stopped wanting the first choices when I began to experience more of the second. Life does weird things to your soul and your mind.

"this is a wrecking ball, psychological"-viva voce

2005-10-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

I love my roommates

2005-10-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

In other, less "me", news, my niece is really awesome:

and I live in a really cool city. I, yes I, took this picture a week and a half ago:

2005-10-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

This Friday I'm giving a huge presentation to our college. It's just a "come if you want" type of thing, so it will mostly be my friends, parents, and whatever faculty and staff members decide to come. My professor will introduce me, then the floor will be mine.

When I went to Mexico I created an independent project with one of my professors, wherein I would study the cultural differences between drawings from my kids in Mexico, and our laboratory preschool here on campus. This was designed as a sort of pilot study, which suggests future areas of interest, study, and research. While my professor has given me some great hints, prods, and insight, this has been my own project, basically. Last week I met with a visiting lecture, Dr. Kieran Egan (one of the authorities on Imaginative Education), because my professor trusted me enough to just sit down with this man and have an intelligent conversation about children's drawings. As we got up to leave Dr. Egan mentioned that I might have taught him more about the subject of cultural drawings than he could have taught me.

So on Friday at 1pm I will stand in front of a large group of familiar people and tell them what I know. Which is incredibly scary, but also deeply exciting. I know about this stuff, I know about these drawings, and I know my Mexican kids very well. I can talk about almost all of their home situations and know their backgrounds.

My professor made me write a sort of introduction for him, just including some highlights. I thought about what a huge project this thing has been, and how amazing it is to me that I am actually doing this. I'm putting the finishing touches on it tonight and I realize that I have no one to report to. I asked after our last meeting Tuesday "Do we need to meet again to go over stuff?" and my professor confidently said "Nope! I will see you Friday in the room!" So trusting.

Lord, when I started college I never thought I'd have done the things I have done. I entered as a very shy, reserved teenager with a lack of much self esteem and Friday I will stand before peers and higher ups, in my professional clothes, telling them what I know and what I am passionate about.

ps. I miss mexico like you wouldn't believe. I was there for 10 weeks earlier this year. The last time i was there was late June, and I have been away from my town, friends, and kids longer than I was there for earlier this year. I feel detached and something is missing.

2005-09-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's officially fall. You want to know how I can make that sort of pronouncement? Because last night I was driving to a job and drove down one of those two-laned winding roads, surrounded by trees turning color. Not only were they turning colors but there were leaves strewn across the road, very sparsely, and I sighed and smiled.... then it rained ALL day today.

Do you know the kind of vision teachers have to have? Scanning vision. That kind. Scanning the playground or classroom, while dealing with one student, to make sure that all the others are not killing each other.

As much as I love the rain, fire drills in it are not fun. I decided it was really time to own a raincoat of some sort. With all my working this week I thought maybe I could afford to buy myself one. But then I remembered I have to pay to take a teacher licensure test (200 dollars), and I owe my parents about 500. This girl's deep in trouble.

I have been so tired and busy lately. I wish I could wake up and have the next week just be over. I'm up early every morning, running around to get things done, and I feel like I'm slowly killing myself.

I wish I could figure things out.

2005-09-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

Monday and Tuesday nights we watched the Bob Dylan documentary by Scorsese on PBS. One of those nights they showed Dylan singing "Visions of Johanna".

My heart went up into my throat.

2005-09-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

"I wasn't prepared for this..."-eisley

So. All three of you are wondering what's going on. maybe.

Last Saturday, not this last one this last weekend, but the one before, my parents sat down with my brother, sister-n-law, and me to talk about their plans for the future. My dad has always involved with short term missions in Mexico, and I knew that when he planned to retire he talked about moving there. I knew this was a dream of his, but I also knew that my mom was not exactly keen on the idea. She's only been there maybe three times for actual work camps. Mexico has always just been my dad's passion and my mom has played a role in letting him disappear 1-3 times a year for weeklong trips.

Well, it appears that what my dad has planned might be happening sooner rather than later. My dad is only 58 and I assumed that retirement meant 65, and that I had another 7 years before my parents made any sort of decisions about moving wherever (potential destinations being Klamath Falls, Northern California, Mexico, etc.) . Not so. My dad has decided that he could really get by by retiring next October at 59 1/2, and move to Mexico. He had a call two weeks ago from Meg Connors, a woman connected with the place I stayed while I was in Mexico. She asked when he was planning on retiring.

The place down there (Welcome Home, or WHO for short) needs an American liason to coordinate work groups and be a communicator to the American board of directors. My dad knows a ton of people in this town, knows his way around, loves Mexico, and there is a place for my parents to stay if they do decide to move there. Things are still QUITE up in the air, lest anything think this is a sure thing. Dad has a lot more talking to do, my parents have a lot more praying to do. I have a lot more crying to do, probably.

It has been in the back of my mind since last winter that I have the possibility of going overseas to teach when I graduate, specifically one place I'm looking at in India. I'm young, fresh out of college, and am not tied down to any significant other so that I can travel as I please. When I think about it I realize that next year at this time my parents could be living in Mexico, my brother and sister in law in southern Oregon, and myself in India (or Asia somewhere). The world I knew is falling apart. It blows my mind that I wouldn't have some sort of "home base" for coming back to Portland, a city that I love. I think I could be very, very alone and separated from what i hold dear.

However, it has become more evident in the last 10 months that I really do want a nomadic life for a while. I want to experience some freedom without many earthly possessions. I want to help others and live a life that is pleasing to the God I love. I used to think there was no way I could do it. I love my things too much. As silly as it sounds, I really love my chrome-lined table, my hairdryer chair, my music, my 50's starburst drinking glasses, and my beloved volvo station wagon. I've started to look around at these things and go "maybe I really could live with selling these things..." Well, I still don't know about getting rid of my beautiful car.

I wrote before that I do not understand the gospel of Jesus Christ. There's a story where a man says he wants to follow Christ, and Christ tells him to not even go back and say goodbye to his family. This is the God I serve. Is God asking me to leave what I cherish and love and go out on my own? What a crazy, mixed up, backward belief system. I love it, I dread it. What is holding me back?

So in the last week and a half my whole world has turned upside down. I told this to Natalie and she said "that's it?" Yes, that's it. I pictured my life after I graduated as something completely different. I pictured my parents' retirement years as something different. I pictured my lifestyle, goals, finances, dreams, and pursuits totally different. Yes. this is it.

"I wasn't prepared for this..."-eisley

2005-09-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

There are times in my life (and maybe yours, too) where everything seems oddly profound. Every musical note and phrase is completely and utterly sonic, resounding like no other song has before. Every landscape is a beautiful and amazing painting. Every word, sentence, paragraph, sermon, note, card, or monologue is utter truth, ready to be quoted into everything I do. Life is screaming at me, full-lunged, daring me to pay attention, as if it knows I'm not quite ready.

2005-09-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

I do not understand the gospel of Jesus Christ

2005-09-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just can't talk to anybody about anything. Not that they wouldn't care, or that what you want to talk about is bad, but that it's just not fitting to talk to people. It's all so intertwined and involves everyone, and I'm not about being honest with anyone right now. Underneath I'm pissed at everyone. Including God.

It's almost as if I can feel everything just eating away at my brain. It has no place to run, so it creeps inside and hides. and perhaps it rots.

my world is falling apart

2005-09-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

my jealousy is completely out of control

2005-09-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

can you have a quarter life crisis? I think I'm having one right now. I might have said this before at some point, but this time it's for reals.

It's amazing how far you can drive on a familar route, even while crying.

"Is this the New Year, or just another night?
Is this the new fear, or just another fright?
Is this the new tear, or just another desperation?

Is this the finger, or just another fist?
Is the kingdom, or just a hit and miss?
I've missed direction, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?
It'll be a day like this one, When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one, like a broken piece of glass,
For broken arms and broken noses in the back
Is this the new year, or just another desperation?
You push until you're shoving,
You bend until you break,
Do you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay?
It'll be a day like this one,
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing here worth saving,
Is there no one here at all,
Is there an night life,
that could break our fall?
It'll be a day like this one,
When the sky falls down,
And the hungry and poor and desserted are found

Are you discontented?
Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down, this broken house of cards?
It'll be a day like this one,
When the world caves in,
When the world caves in,

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing?
Are there any left now, who haven't kissed The Enemy?

Is this the new year, or just another desperation?
Ah... Does justice ever find you?
Do the wicked ever lose?
Is there any other song, to sing beside these Blues?
And nothing is okay, Till' the world caves in"- Switchfoot

2005-09-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

We just finished week 9 of running. How? I don't know. But we did.

I really like muscles, and I don't know why. Because I have been running my calf muscles have started to bulk up. Stephanie and I literally walk around our house and our campus occasionally pulling up our pant legs to go "oh yeah, man, check this out." "ohhh look at this rock". We're idiots, I know, but we're very excited idiots.

Anybody who knows me knows I like to check out my biceps. Now, my biceps are nothing spectacular, but I do have some muscle. However, Stephanie can beat me in an arm wrestling contest, so I realize they are not that great. Sometimes I will be talking to a roommate and I start feeling my biceps or showing them to the person I am talking to. One time I was talking on the phone to someone, and without even realizing it I started flexing and checking out my arm muscles. I realized what I was doing when Stephanie started laughing at me. I don't know what the fascination is. Perhaps I should have created a more athletic lifestyle for myself earlier so that I could really have some greater muscles to admire.

I would also like to say that spontaneous dance parties are where its at. Last night Stephanie, Natalie and I danced like idiots around our living room, with bands such as Nirvana, Fine China, Joy Electric, the Promise Ring, and Cake blasting. I found a new dance move that I like, and we all had a glorious time. We also spent last night watching a movie about Patrice Lumumba, with the guidance of our Kenyan friend, Barnabas. We spent the rest of the night talking about African politics, what Barnabas likes to draw, people who used to go to school here, the world, and then playing with Graham's instruments in his room. Oh, and we topped it off by watching Saturday Night Live which just happened to be the re-run of the Ashlee Simpson scandal. How sweet it is.

2005-09-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

"What were you thinking last July?
You're gonna ride, you're gonna ride it out
I know that I'm sorry, but I lied.
He's gonna ride, He's gonna ride it out"-Mates of State

2005-09-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

Ever notice the Christian culture we've created? We can't escape it. Our services, our speak, our way of doing things. Then the "emerging church" comes along and does the same exact things. I sat in chapel today (which I loved), and thought about the traditions and familiar things we have in our communal experiences. I mean, I love tradition, but it isn't it funny how we've been doing the same things for years? And I guess more than the traditions that "normal" churches do, it's those young people who want to separate themselves so badly from the normal state of the Church and do things differently. But then they end up meeting in small groups, which grows to a church, which does worship and has someone speak every Sunday. And they encourage people to serve, and 10% of the people do 90% of the work, and everyone sits in the same seats every Sunday. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's your parents' church with younger people. A cooler, more hip attitude. That's why you like it.

2005-09-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.redcross.org . More than anything, they can use your money.

I'm sitting in the computer lab on a Sunday morning. Everyone's busy this weekend and I have/had no plans. Yesterday I took laundry to my parents' home, they being away for the weekend. I did laundry, worked on a cross stitch, went shopping for teacher clothes, and watched bad tv. On the way home from my parents' house my brakes started to go out on my car. They've been weird the last week or so, and though they've been entirely too loose for my conscious they've at least worked. But not last night. Last night I tried to stop behind a car at a busy intersection and the car wouldn't stop, even with the brake to the floor. So, time to take ole Pops' advice and grab that emergency brake. Those last 20 blocks to my house sure were interesting.

Needless to say, with my dad out of town and nobody around this weekend I ain't going anywhere. So no church, no shopping, etc. This is why i'm in the computer lab on a Sunday morning. This time I brought my headphones and I'm doing fast T1 stuff like watching music videos and listening to music online, something we can't readily do on our dial up at home.

It has been 5 months since I decided to stop eating meat, and when I stopped to think about it I realized that in the last month I haven't accidentally eaten meat, or made any exceptions.

One fun thing about having a running partner is that you can make up inside jokes. Stephanie and I now, when we see someone running on the street, decide the purpose of that runner. Running for fitness, or running to catch the bus? Running for fitness, or running because they're late for work? Running for fitness, or running after a purse snatcher? These types of observational skills are necessary for life. What else is necessary for life? Balance. Everyone should work on their balance. Go tightrope walk on a curb.

Bad thing about having a running partner? When that partner has more important things going on in their life and they don't get up to go running.

Now playing: The Carolines- "Good for Me"

2005-08-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not very good at having friend relationships. I think I have four friends. My roommates go off to hang out with people from home and other people from school, and I have no one else. I have to remedy this somehow or some way. Perhaps I am too picky about who I want to be my friend?

This weekend will make one whole year. One whole year and not a lot has changed. I did a few amazing things in this last year. I'm about something else that is really amazing, something I can hardly believe I'm doing. Mostly I'm still the same boring Meghan. I have a million different things I want to do with my life. Wonderful, marvelous things, but I lack a lot of motivation and and am entirely too pessimistic. What happens now? I can't wait around for what I really want, and in the mean time I'm stuck being my old boring self.

2005-08-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

It's officially fall. At least in my mind it is. It rained and thundered today, after a really hot summer and a long hot absence of rain. Classes started today and I went to my only class on Mondays. I spent quite a bit of time in the library tonight, looking for books online, checking email, and harassing (not really) the librarian. I even sat down to read a magazine. It feels like fall when I go to the library on a dark night, spend lots of time looking for books, and then spend more time reading those darn periodicals.

2005-08-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

The other night I was reading an old copy of Portland Monthly while at a nanny job. I got pissed off because they had this fake little quiz called "Stumpkin or Bumpkin" (Fyi: portland is often called Stumptown). Portland Monthly is our major city-focused magazine, which is only a couple years old. I enjoy reading it. Well, I enjoyed it until I read this quiz. Basically it concluded that you were a "real" Portlander (and Stumpkin) if you adhered to certain criteria. This meant living in a couple of certain neighborhoods, driving an upscale SUV, and etc. I got pretty pissed.

Someone I know who recently moved to Portland from the midwest mentioned his intentions for living in Portland, meaning the only area he wanted to live in. He mentioned not venturing beyond the 70s, knowing that's not where he wants to be. While I actually want to live in the same area he does, the comment has begun to bother me, and maybe only because of its polar opposite culture when compared to those I mentioned in the first paragraph.

I don't know. I guess I'm just bitter.

Portland was cool before you left New York and wrote back to your family and friends about the glorious parks and scenery, and before you bought that million dollar home in the West Hills. Portland was awesome before we got Doug Fir and all the cool new bands from here were being lauded by indie rock journalists. Portland is a jewel of a city, a city of entrepeneurs, earth conscious individuals, and innovative people. It has a long history of inspiring ideas.

Not only that, but it's part of a state that is magnificent, and the city in itself is cool within its whole self, not just that special part where you shop at cool grocery stores and go to really awesome literary readings. Yeah. It's hip and cool. And it's normal as well. I mean, c'mon. Guys walk their dogs with the leash around their own waists. Now that is cool.